Monday Horoscopes!


Why not?  I'm perfectly willing to believe that the positions of celestial bodies billions of miles away can have a direct influence on the most mundane facets of my life.  So if Jupiter is in the House of Mars, I'd better watch my interactions with public officials, right?

As long as we're willing to assume that Neptune is keenly aware of my financial dealings, let's take the next logical step and assign to me personally a variety of divinatory and predictive powers!  I was an Indigo Child, after all, one raised by Gypsies, tutored in the Mystical Arts by Jeanne Dixon, and well-read from the dread Necronomicon (Volume II, will vars. Illustrations)!

So let us see what the stars, quasars, pulsars, and various nebula have to say to you today, dear reader...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
They say that being decapitated doesn't hurt, but you'll have to wait for Tuesday evening to know for sure.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Good friends are priceless.  The best you can probably do, though, run about $200 per night.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You know that fortune cookie you got, the one that read Good things await you?  Yeah, well, if by 'good things' they meant 'flesh-eating bacteria,' then man, they nailed that one.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good week to consider your finances, because after Sunday evening's prison riot, you won't be needing money anymore.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
If you don't want to wind up going viral on YouTube, don't kick and scream while the grizzly bear mauls you. And if you do kick and scream, don't say we didn't warn you.  Pansy.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
You laughed at the warning label that said DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER WHILE IN USE, but who's laughing now, huh?  

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
Statistically speaking, being struck twice by lightning is highly improbable, and that's exactly what the coroner will note in her report.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
Look, sometimes hostage negotiations just fall apart.  

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Despite the media attention surrounding your post-surgical appearance, air travel is still the safest way to travel.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
That fear of needles you have?  Considering the events of next Friday, that is a bad, bad fear to have.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
All those times you used the phrase 'an arm and a leg' take on an ominous new meaning when you regain consciousness Sunday.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
Nine times out of ten, a charging rhinoceros will turn away at the last moment.  Guess you wish now you'd been keeping a much better count.

Yes, you did adjust the rear-view mirror with your bare right hand, and yes, fingerprints are the most-used physical evidence type used in murder trials.