Three Resolutions

I made three resolutions for the new year.

First, I resolved to never stick my head in a fan again, even on a double-dog dare.  Especially not an all-steel industrial cooling fan that could probably serve as the number two port wing engine on a DC-3 in a pinch.  Those things have got torque, people. And forget ever getting your hair out of the manifold.

Second, I vowed to immediately cease and desist housing squirrels, chipmunks, marmots, or other small mammals in my britches.  I think the article that inspired that idea may have been a parody.  In any case, stitches are expensive (and in many cases embarrassing) and Mr. Chang down at the Super Plus Good One-Day Cleaners was very clear on the matter of more squirrels in his steam-press.

Finally, I have sworn to refrain from prank calling Luxembourg.  They never quite caught on to the Prince Albert in a can joke anyway, and I never learned German or French, so most of the calls deteriorated into both sides speaking very loudly and very slowly with neither person ever comprehending what was said.  Now that I think about it, that makes Luxembourg one of my best friends, so maybe I'll keep calling just for old times' sake.

So what did you, gentle reader, resolve to do differently in this shiny, hopeful new year?

Email me with your resolutions and I'll post the best and the strangest of them here in a few days.

In the meantime, BUY MY BOOKS!  Please.  I'm starving down here.