Terrible Tuesday Horoscopes

Several of you emailed to let me know I've missed months of Terrible Tuesday horoscopes.  You're right, I did miss posting them -- but only because the stars themselves forbade it.  Something about Jupiter being in a snit because Mars spent the night at the House of Leo and later tried to claim he couldn't call because there wasn't any cell service out past the asteroid belt.  Suffice it to say that many celestial panties were in cosmic bunches, okay?

But fear not, truth seekers, because I'm back on schedule this week!  So look below and learn your fate...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Try to look on the bright side -- your demise next Tuesday will help others take those 'Maximum Occupancy' signs in elevators a lot more seriously.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Neither the police nor the zookeepers will ever learn exactly how the gorillas armed themselves with baseball bats or managed to hide quietly in your closet.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
There's no use trying to outrun your fate, especially when your fate is hopped up on meth and driving a flaming gasoline truck.  

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
The stars aren't sure why that enraged buffalo singled you out, either. 

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Event after the events of next Thursday, the odds of anyone being besides you actually being struck by satellite debris during a gas leak explosion in a fireworks factory remain microscopically small.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
Well, honestly, who knew Jason Voorhees was both real and hiding in your back seat with a machete? 

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
If it's any consolation, the flamethrower manufacturer is going to feel just terrible about your headline-grabbing misadventure next Monday.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
See, what happens Friday at the shark exhibit is why you should never tempt a grumpy Fate by asking the (usually) rhetorical question 'At least it can't get any worse, right?' 

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Even if your attacker is just a crazy guy in a Yeti suit, the homicide detectives will all agree those fake claws left quite a convincing mess behind.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Yes, fake novelty grenades do look just like the real thing. And no, the novelty company's lawyers aren't going to be very sympathetic at all.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
Cheer up! Accusations of serial necrophilia aside, not many people can say they've lasted as the top headline on all three major media outlets for three consecutive days. 

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
Well, you'll give it a valiant try, but face it -- hanging onto the wing at that altitude just isn't physically possible.