Tragic Thursday Horoscopes, Blood Loss Edition

Be warned -- the heavens are especially surly today! Even the mainstream scientists at Pasadena's JPL Planetary Science Division agree that Mars, which usually displays all the geological activity of a bowl of ice cream, is "in a floor-banging wall-chewing four alarm snit."  

My advice to most of you would be to stay not in the bed but under it. Except in the case of Taurus, the bull. You Taurans might as well crash-land fuel planes into Mexican fireworks factories because baby, the stars have got it in for you...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Your love life will see big changes next Tuesday, which is also the day you are introduced to the harsh reality of a federal Supermax prison.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Your Thursday really isn't that complicated, if you break it down step by step. Cab veers off street. Scaffold collapses. Gas main ruptures. Explosion hurls manhole cover. Magician asks for volunteers. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Your generous and compassionate nature is the theme for your wake next Monday, though several speakers allude to the previously docile nature of Korna the killer whale, and speculate on its sudden unstoppable  outpouring of rage.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You've heard about airplanes making forced landings on busy streets, but until the nose landing gear crashes through your windshield next Tuesday, you always thought the stories the stuff of urban myths.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Well, now you know exactly how long it takes to fill a subway car with water.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
Sadly, you'll realize too late that you truly can't pick the serial killer out of the crowd based on his looks.

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
What's most surprising about your case, says your HazMat suited doctor from behind the protective shatterproof glass wall, is how how aggressive this strain of the Plague has become.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
Bear traps? Who leaves bear traps lying around? You have every right to scream.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Your inadvertent foray into the illegal human organ trade is lucrative, yes, but sends you scrambling to the internet to determine if one can survive with half a liver, one kidney, no spleen, and only 14 feet of small intestine.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
The Bomb Squad transports all their confiscated explosives out to the desert once a year, in an armored truck you won't quite see until it's far, far too late.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
Turns out there are good reasons you've always been afraid of clowns, heights, and chainsaws, and they all make terrible sense next Friday.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
The chalk outline drawn around your body will briefly become a celebrated internet meme.