Sinister Sunday Horoscopes, For Writers

Fig. 1: The author's personal Book of Ideas and who has skulls lying around anyway?
We writers are a superstitious bunch. Everyone has their little writing rituals. Maybe you have a lucky pen, or a keyboard made from garbage pilfered from Stephen King's household trash. Maybe it's a special five-quart coffee cup. Maybe, like me, you garb yourself in the flowing silk robes of a thirty-third degree Owl-head Mason and build a bonfire made of L. Ron Hubbard books before you sit down in a gold-encrusted Regency throne to write.

Whatever your methods, the stars hold certain wisdom, and what appears to be a serious grudge. Read on, fellow writer, and do not despair, for the stars are often wrong and usually display lousy aim...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
The last thing you'll expect in the cornfield next Tuesday is an actual murderous scarecrow, but if you'll think about it you've always had rotten luck on Tuesdays.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Neither the police nor the zookeepers will ever learn exactly how the gorillas armed themselves with baseball bats or managed to hide quietly in your closet.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
There's no use trying to outrun Fate, especially when Fate is hopped up on bad meth and chasing you in a flaming gasoline truck.  

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Outdoorsmen advise that you play dead when attacked by a black bear and fight when attacked by a grizzly, but even outdoorsmen are stumped when you encounter both bears at once. Good luck.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Event after the events of next Thursday, the odds of anyone being besides you actually being struck by radioactive satellite debris during a gas leak explosion in a fireworks factory remain microscopically small.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
Well, honestly, who knew Jason Voorhees was both real and hiding in your back seat with a machete? 

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
If it's any consolation, the flamethrower manufacturer is going to feel just terrible about your headline-grabbing misadventure Monday.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
See, what happens Friday at the shark exhibit is why you should never tempt a grumpy Fate by asking the (usually) rhetorical question 'At least it can't get any worse, right?' 

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Even if your attacker is just a crazy guy in a Yeti suit, the homicide detectives will all agree those fake claws left quite a convincing mess behind.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Look at it this way -- most people have to train as astronauts for decades before they are ever launched into low Earth orbit. Of course they have spacesuits, but still.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
Cheer up! Accusations of serial necrophilia aside, not many people can say they've lasted as the top headline on all three major media outlets for three consecutive days. 

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
Well, you'll give it a valiant try, but face it -- hanging onto the wing at that altitude just wasn't physically possible.