Things That Go Bump 2014, #2: Vapor Interaction Observation Chamber (aka the Fogbox)

In keeping with my tradition of meddling with Things With Which Man Was Not Meant to Meddle, I've built a new ghost hunting tool. This new tool started out as the Vapor Interaction Observation Chamber, but from now on I'll be referring to it as the Fogbox.

Frank's neighbors express their approval of his paranormal endeavors.
That's exactly what a fogbox is -- a box full of fog. Why fog?

Because fog is a suspension of tiny water particles in air. Really tiny particles. Moving them around should be easy even if you're some sort of discorporeal energy entity (i.e., a ghost).

People I know and trust have told me they've been touched, had their hair pulled, felt cold little hands slip into theirs during paranormal investigations. Now, I've never experienced anything like that. A couple of years ago, I'd probably have dismissed their claims as imaginary or contrived. But then two things happened. One, I recorded my own EVP phenomena, which proved to me such events are neither always faked nor always imagined. Second, I got to know paranormal investigators who I trust. If they say they've had their hair pulled, they've had their hair pulled.

From their experiences, I can theorize that some agency (let's call it Agency X because I'm hesitant to use the g-word) is capable of infrequent, small-scale physical exertions on material objects. I don't know by what means Agency X exerts these forces, but let's assume they do.

My Fogbox is an effort to capture any small-scale physical effects photographically. Simply put, you fill the lighted chamber with fog. Then you wait for disturbances within the fog or upon the condensation on the inside pane of each of the chamber's sides.

Here's what the Fogbox looks like in action:



But let's back up a moment, and I'll describe its construction.

I took an 18 inch by 24 inch sheet of clear acrylic sheeting and cut it into two 12 by 18 sheets. I then separated these sheets with three-quarter inch pine stock. The top frame member is removable so the interior of each pane can be cleaned.

So what's all that tubing and the wires and the switch do?

The switch box controls two devices. One is the fan that sits atop the Fogbox. It draws artificial fog from the fog cylinder via the black hose and pumps the fog into the chamber.

The other powered item is the blue LED light strip that lines the sides and the bottom of the chamber. This serves two purposes -- one, to light the chamber, and make any motion or markings on the panes easily visible. Two, it looks really cool.

Fog usually occurs when the air temperature equals that of the dew point, but I'm a busy guy and I don't have time to go chasing fog around with my box so I make my own. You take one part pure glycerin to three parts distilled water. Mix well. Put that in a metal container and heat it. Draw off the resulting fog. Yes, it's harmless to breathe. I originally planned to use dry ice, but you can't get dry ice here in Oxford, so I had to drop back to the old Halloween glycerin-and-water recipe.

Here's what the Fogbox looks like with the fog not heated yet. The metal cylinder on the left, which looks suspiciously like an old coffee can, is an old coffee can in which a frame holds a small metal cup above four burning candles. The candles heat the mixture of water and glycerin. The fan and the tube draws this fog into the chamber.

Here's a shot of the Fogbox getting filled.


This is after about 10 minutes:


And here we are full of fog, and glowing!


A close up of the Chamber:

An even closer shot:


Total cost was about 30 bucks. I used an metal watch box as a switch box and the whole thing is powered by an old 12 volt wall transformer. The fan is a 12 volt PC fan of the 'squirrel cage' blower variety.

I just used what I had lying around; nothing about the parts or dimensions is special.

I think the Fogbox would be best used in a location known for high activity.

My hope is that one day a face will appear in a Fogbox and stick out its tongue before writing 867-5309 on the pane.

Markhat Release News


Brown River Queen will be released in print on Tuesday, March 4! So if you've been waiting for a print copy, your wait is nearly over. Of course the ebook version is available now. 


I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention that a new Markhat book, The Five Faces, will be released in ebook format on June 17. You can pre-order now, unless you want to make me cry. You don't want that, do you? Of course not.

Meralda and Mug Update

The new Meralda and Mug book, All the Turns of Light, is proceeding quickly. Is it possible I'll be complete or nearly so with the rough draft by the end of the month?

Yes it is. I don't want to jinx it by saying too much, but it could happen. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

That's it for this edition of Mad Science. I would like to wish a final farewell to Harold Ramis, who brought Dr. Egon Spengler to life and inspired me to do inadvisable things to common household items in the name of Science. 

Don't cross the streams, buddy. See you around.



Taciturn Ghosts and Markhat Release news!

Midway Cemetery, 2014
After capturing a loud EVP incident last week (listen to it here if you missed that blog entry), I returned to the same tiny cemetery yesterday, to see if anyone still felt like talking.

Armor-All the fearless armadillo was there, happily scooting about for tasty grubs. He was a bit more wary than before, though, and he waddled into the woods before I could get a good photo of him.

I spent 22 minutes among the headstones. I also took over a hundred photos, in case any of the spooks felt frisky. Of all those photos, I saw one unusual effect, which is show below:


See that squashed rainbow object at the lower right corner?

I've seen similar images touted as evidence of the paranormal. Sadly, I'm sure this is nothing but sloppy camera work.

Look how the shadows of the headstones fall. It's obvious the sun is off to the left of the image. Which means a ray of bright sunlight entered my lens and caused the prismatic rainbow effect, putting it opposite the bright light source. Nothing paranormal about this.

I did capture a single very faint sound that might be a voice. I'm on the fence about this one, because it is so faint. But listen for yourself (I put a link a few paragraphs below).

In the rear of the cemetery is a tall marble marker for a Mrs. Mollie Boone. I put my Zoom mic atop her marker and left it there for a while. Here's the mic atop the marker. Oh, and that fuzzy bit atop the microphone is a windscreen. 


The maybe-voice occurs around the ten minute mark on the full recording. I remark that the cemetery is peaceful, retrieve the mic, and walk away. As I am walking, I recorded a single very faint sound which sounds like a male saying 'hey.'

It's so faint I've amplified and looped it below:

Hey looped.


Like I said, I'm on the fence with this one. Could be a voice, could be a lot of other things, I suppose.

If you want to slog through the entire 22 minute recording, be my guest. The link is below.

Entire cemetery visit.

I have most of the components for a new ghost-hunting tool I've never seen built before. Hopefully next week I'll have photos of the completed device, or at least the smoking ruin of the prototype. Should be fun either way.

Meralda and Mug Update

Have I made progress on the new Mug and Meralda novel?

Yes. Yes I have. Fans of the first book, All the Paths of Shadow, will be happy to know that (gasp) Meralda and Mug have left the Royal Laboratory and indeed all of Tirlin. 

All the Paths of Shadow was written to be a sort of anti-quest fantasy novel. Look, I don't have anything at all against quest books. Loved The Lord of the Rings. Heck, I even enjoyed the Shannara books, when I was a kid. There's something innately exciting about a band of misfit adventurers slogging across the landscape in an effort to save the world.

But I'd seen so many quest novels. What about writing a protagonist who likes to sleep in her own bed, likes her morning coffee just so, and has no desire to drive across town, much less sleep in the mud?

That's Meralda. She just wants to be left alone, so she can do her research from morning till night. Of course that's not how her life is turning out, but if I was nice to my protagonists the books would be too boring to bother reading.

I'm trying another new thing with this book by including excerpts from Mug's private journal between chapters. Since this is his private journal, he's even more outspoken in these excerpts than he is in public. I'm waiting until the book is complete to see if these journal entries add or detract from the overall reading experience. So far I think they add a good bit of humor, and yes Mug can write using his vines to hold the pen.

I would post an excerpt here but there's no way I can do that without including half a dozen spoilers. 

I will say this book is a much faster-paced entry than All the Paths of Shadow. Sea monsters may be involved. And storms. And we may finally learn why the Vonats are so dead set against -- well, everything.

The Five Faces

Love this cover!

Good news! The Five Faces is now up for pre-order on Amazon. If you have a Kindle (or the free Kindle app), you can order your copy now and have it delivered to your device on June 17.


I'm really excited about this book. I believe you'll like it too.

In case I have any readers new to the series, there are 8 Markhat titles for you to choose from. I'm often asked what order they are best read in, so here's what I suggest:


Note that it really doesn't matter what order you read the first three tales in. Any order is fine, really.

Dead Man's Rain is set in a haunted mansion. Markhat doesn't believe in haints, haunts, and bumps in the night, but he does believe in greedy relatives and he's not one to turn down a hefty fee. But Markhat soon learns that the horrors lurking in House Merlat might just be all too real. As Mama Hog observes, 'sometimes good and dead ain't good enough.'

The Cadaver Client finds Markhat in the hire of a remorseful ghost, who communicates with him through a little old lady who claims to speak to the dead. The ghost wants his living wife to have a sum of money, but it seems even the dead have more lies to tell than truth.

The Mister Trophy sets Markhat against the deranged head of one of Rannit's Dark Houses. Three mighty Troll warriors hire Markhat to find their cousin's head, which went missing during the War that almost wiped out humanity. Markhat finds the Troll head, but bringing it home to his clients may be a war in itself.

Those are the first three Markhat adventures. They are available only in ebook form individually, but if you prefer print books you can get the print anthology The Markhat Files, which contains all three!


I suggest reading the rest of the books in the order below. Note that each of the following books is available as an ebook or a printed book.

8) The Five Faces (available June 17, 2014)

Hold the Dark introduces new characters and conflicts, and sets a story arc that continues through The Banshee's Walk, The Broken Bell, Brown River Queen, and The Five Faces. 

The tone of the Markhat series is a little bit Raymond Chandler and a little bit Nero Wolfe. Markhat lives and works in a city called Rannit, which houses some 600,000 souls. Rannit isn't on Earth; I created a new world for the series, which they call simply 'the world.' 

Think 1930s Chicago, with vampires called halfdead holding most of the money and Ogres doing the heavy lifting. Rannites have ironworks, gas lamps, cannon, and gunpowder. Markhat is an Army vet who earns a living as a 'finder,' which is what we would call a private eye. If you've lost someone, or something, Markhat will search it out for you. For a price, of course. A man has to eat.

What Markhat mainly finds is trouble, of course. Bad trouble, because the bigger the problem, the better the book.

If you'd like to check out all my books, click below. You'll see covers and links to various purchasing options, because I'm A) helpful and B) avaricious. 

Frank's Books




That's the cover for Brown River Queen, which is set aboard a lavish gambling riverboat. The Queen's maiden voyage doesn't go entirely as planned...

MidSouthCon!

It's nearly March, and that can mean only one thing -- MidSouthCon!

This year's Con will be MidSouthCon32.  I love MidSouthCon -- it's large enough to attract some fascinating folks, and small enough to meet them.


For instance, here's the gang from Expedition Unknown, the Mid-South's premiere paranormal investigators. They have a website, and a YouTube channel featuring some of their best paranormal evidence. You should check out the YouTube channel -- the EVPs are fascinating.

And of course there are the cosplayers!




This year, Brown River Queen is up for a Darrell Award for best novel. I'm up against some stiff competition, so wish Markhat good luck!

I'm also being inducted into the Coger Hall of Fame, which is based on a body of work and not any single title. The judges cited my short stories and short story anthologies Saving the Sammi, Wistril Compleat, On the Road, The Far Corners, and Passing the Narrows as the basis for my induction, and I'm honored and very proud of being included in the Hall of Fame. 

So, if you're planning on being at MidSouthCon this year, look for me -- I'll be the guy grinning like a fool!


Things That Go Bump 2014, Issue #1: Mad Science, Ganzfeld Edition

Can you spot the armored mammal in this photo?

Welcome, boys and girls, to another edition of Things That Go Bump. 

I hadn't actually planned to offer another installment of my amateur supernatural sleuthing today, but a chance visit to a local cemetery resulted in the capture of what I consider to be my best EVP recording yet. I'm really excited about this recording, for a couple of reasons.

First, the vocalization is unique in that it extends over my own soft laughter. Which means it wasn't some weird unintentional grunt or burp, because I'm not a ventriloquist.

Next, it's pretty clear. Clear that it's a voice, and a voice not my own, and clear in what it seems to be saying.

Finally, because it was fairly loud. I didn't hear a thing at the time of recording. Nothing. But my good Zoom H1 mic caught it, and now you can hear it too!

First, a bit of backstory.

Karen and I drove up to the old Midway Cemetery in Lafayette County, Mississippi, after visiting my dad today. It's a sunny day, and warm compared to the weather of late, so we thought we'd go kick around up there for a bit. I took my new SL1000 camera and my trusty Zoom mic with windscreen.

We stayed at the graveyard for about 22 minutes. We weren't alone, though, as Karen, who had the camera, quickly discovered. This little fellow was there first.


Yes, that's an armadillo, and he got within about 3 inches of Karen's shoe before they became aware of each other.

Why is the image black and white? Because I'm going through my Ansel Adams phase and it was in B&W mode when I handed it to Karen. So that's my fault, not hers, but I love the pics anyway.


We watched the armadillo, whom Karen dubbed Armor-All, roam and root throughout the place, oblivious to our presence. I believe he might have been deaf.


They're actually cute, up close. I had no idea they had so much hair on their body armor.

We did switch to color, and here's what he looks like:


It was during our observations of the little guy that I captured the EVP.

The phenomena occurs at about 14:25 in on the full recording. I haven't said anything for several minutes. I'm standing alone, watching Karen take pics of Armor-All and chuckling aloud to myself because the critter was so cute and so unafraid. There was no conversation, no questions asked, no comments made by me.

I've isolated the EVP voice and my laugh in the short clip below. Please listen, and see what you think.

Midway EVP word

That sample has been amplified just a tad so you can listen without headphones. Here's the raw sample, unmodified:

Midway EVP Word, raw

Finally, here's the full 20-plus minute session, in case you care to listen. I didn't hear any other voices.

Full visit sound file

Let me reiterate -- I did not hear the voice until I listened to the recording. No one was close to me. I hear, quite clearly, a whispered or airy voice say the single word 'goodbye.' Which is apropos of nothing, as they say, since that doesn't fit into any conversational context at that time.

But it is a word, and it is a voice, and it came seemingly from thin air.

I have no explanation.

Weird Science: The Ganzfeld Effect

Way back in the 1930s, it was observed that placing goggles which presented a blank, uniform visual field to subjects resulted in hallucinations and changes to the brain's electrical activity. 

In the 1930s, this was considered rare good fun, so scientists ran with it. The phenomena came to be known as the Ganzfeld Effect (Ganzfeld is German for 'complete field'). After adding headphones playing white noise to the blank white visual field, test subjects reported seeing the kinds of things LSD enthusiasts would also report thirty years later.

The Ganzfeld Effect eventually came into play as a technique used by parapsychologists and ESP researchers. It was thought subjects undergoing a Ganzfeld environment showed increased psychic abilities. There are rumors the CIA tried using the Ganzfeld Effect in its own infamous remote-viewing experiments in the 1960s.

So. We have 30s-era mad scientists with their wild hair and side-buttoning lab coats in one corner. In the other, we have shadowy spy agency types glaring at grinning, tripping hippies.

Anything that attracts all these sorts has got to be fun, so count me in.

You can replicate the Ganzfeld Effect for yourself easily enough. Here's what you need:

1) A pack of ping-pong balls (two at least).
2) A razor knife.
3) 300 grit sandpaper.
4) Headphones, and a device to drive them.
5) A white noise source. I got a free white noise generator from iTunes, and played it on my phone.
6) A comfy chair.
7) A lamp.

Look at the picture below. Yes, I know it's painful, but look anyway. Covering my eyes are a pair of halved ping-pong balls. With a little work, you can trim them so that they fit over your eyes perfectly, rendering your entire visual field a blank white expanse.



That's where the razor knife and the sandpaper come in. Cut the balls to fit, then sand the edges smooth. The edges of the balls, not your eyes. Keep the sandpaper away from your eyes. 

Cut the ball in half. Trim each to fit your eye socket. Easy peasy. The CIA probably paid some government contractor half a million 1965 dollars just for that.

Load up your white noise, don your stylish and comfortable headphones, and put the Ganzfeld goggles over your eyes. Lay back. Face your lamp. Hit play.

And, according to the literature, prepare to be transported to an amazing new dimension of hallucinatory delight.

The Ganzfeld Effect is said to work because your brain, my brain, even the brain downstairs I keep alive in a jar is constantly looking for patterns in chaos. That's why we see faces in wood-grain doors, sometimes, or animals in clouds. 

So, by presenting your brain with a blank, uniform visual field via the eyes and random white noise via your ears, you set the stage for a kind of visual/auditory feedback loop, fueled by imagination and hallucinations. People report seeing loved ones, pastoral scenes, vivid colors, moving landscapes, you name it. The CIA even thought people might see inside naughty Russian missile bases, or sneaky submarines.

Look, if all it takes to hack my brain into being amusing for a change is a pair of ping-pong balls and a free white noise app, I say let's do this thing.

So do this thing I did, yesterday afternoon.

Below is the log of my experiences with the Ganzfeld Effect.

Ganzfeld Session 1
Saturday, February 15, 2014
1435 hours

White noise, 12 minutes. White light source.

Visual Hallucinations: None.
Auditory hallucinations: None.
General Impressions: Boring. The improvised 'goggles' worked well enough, in that they provided a uniform white visual field. The white noise generator paired with my good headphones was effective at blocking out all background noise. So I was presented with a blank white field of vision and my hearing was limited to pure white noise -- both of which were simply boring. At no point did I begin to 'see' anything but white. At no point did my surroundings fade or change. In a word, boring.
Mystical Impressions Received: I think this experiment would be a lot more fun if I replace the white noise with the Beatles and their Magical Mystery Tour album. But I won't, because this is Science.

Ganzfeld Session 2
Saturday, February 15, 2014
1517 hours

White noise, 12 minutes. White light source, rendered brighter than the source in Session 1 because I placed the lamp on my chest and aimed it at my face.

Visual Hallucinations: None.
Auditory hallucinations: None.
General Impressions: Seriously, were the people who reported visual hallucinations with this set-up enhancing their research with a little, shall we say, herb of the field? You know what I did gain a profound awareness of? I became profoundly aware that I was sitting in my chair with ping-pong balls over my eyes and a lamp on my chest. Now, this is hardly the strangest thing I've ever done, but in the other instances (yeah, especially the beach-balls and the ostrich) I could at least point towards an empty cooler and say 'beer.' This is just silly.
Mystical Impressions Received: After witnessing this display, my dogs are seriously considering appointing a new pack alpha.

Ganzfeld Session 3
Saturday, February 15, 2014
1601 hours

White noise, 12 minutes. White light source, rendered brighter than the source in Sessions 1 and 2 because I added an extra lamp to the rig.

Visual Hallucinations: None. What a shock.
Auditory Hallucinations: I believe I heard a voice from above spaketh the words 'Wow, what a wanker.'
General Impressions: See sessions 1 and 2. What a waste of time and white noise. I suppose it's possible that some people do experience visual hallucinations this way, but I'm obviously not one of them. I am annoyed, which probably isn't significant because I can achieve that mental state quite easily without sticking Mole Man goggles over my eyes.
Mystical Impressions Received: Ping-pong balls and loud static are NOT the gateway to another universe no matter what happened on that episode of Fringe.

Not a single Russian launch site did I view. I am very disappointed.

But at least I have some neat new goggles, suitable for Halloween or any formal occasion.

Mug and Meralda news

Work on the new book speeds along! I am now on page 59 of the new book. Not too shabby!


No, that's not the new book cover. It's the first book in the series, All the Paths of Shadow. Click the link! Leave a review! Buy a copy! Sorry. The brain in the jar downstairs needs a fresh supply of expensive nutrients.


Hey, how's this get in here? It's the cover for Brown River Queen.  A review? Please, guv'nor, it would mean ever so much to Tiny Tim...

And I'm out. 

Please, please comment on what you think the EVP voice said. I'm really stunned with this one.

By the way, not sure this is relevant, but I have a number of relatives buried there. People I knew well, and loved well. It's a peaceful place, with no spooky atmosphere that I can detect. 

Anyway, take care all!  See you next week!



White Skies at Night


It's full of stars...
Snows is akin to a teacher's pay raise, here in Mississippi, in that snows are few, far between, and tend to leave much to be desired in terms of actual measure. But when we left the Malco Theater late Friday night after seeing a block of films at the Oxford Film Festival, the sky was full of the stuff. The above is a photo I took, because yes, to Mississippi natives taking a picture of snow is deemed not only reasonable but mandatory.

The ground got a light covering too. I am pleased to report that the town didn't shut down, mainly because it happened at night and it would take a full-scale invasion by a foreign superpower to impede the Oxford Square bar traffic on a weekend. No, we Oxonians soldiered on, with nary a panicked run to the grocery store for milk and eggs. Although I suppose drink orders for White Russians may have seen a sudden uptick.

Markhat News



That's the new cover. Yeah, I know I did a reveal for it last weekend, but I like it, so here it is again.

I am pleased to report that the latest round of edits for the book above is complete. This round is known as the FLE, or First Line Edit. In this round, a sharp-eyed editor who has thus far not been involved in the back-and-forth edits between myself and the wise and all-seeing Editrix H reads the edited manuscript, looking for issues we may have missed. 

First Line Editors are chosen for their supernatural ability to spot continuity errors which may be separated by hundreds of pages, or even by books in a series. For instance, in the Markhat series, the phrase 'Angels and Devils' is a mild curse, usually spoken in anger or disgust. 

But did we use 'Angels and Devils' in Book 2, or did we drop the capitalization on Devils and use 'Angels and devils?'

The FLE knows, or knows to raise the question. That slipped right past me (the answer, by the way, is 'Angels and Devils.')

The good news is that the June publication date is firm now. The bulk (if not all) of the editing is done, the cover is set, and the book is ready to be converted into the various formats and distributed to booksellers around the world. Samhain handles all that. I just sit back and...I mean, I start immediately to work on the next book.

The Darker Carnival 

I am pleased to announce that the new Markhat adventure, The Darker Carnival, is done. First draft, that is. I'm pleased with it. So pleased that I've sent the book to my fearless beta reader for a round of first impressions.

Since you're a reader of my blog, I'll reveal a few things about the new book to you. As the title indicates, this entry is set in a carnival. 

What kind of carnival, you ask?

Well, on the surface, Markhat describes it thusly:

"Oh, it's wholesome, harmless diversion," I said. "A place where simple pleasures can be safely pursued by apple-cheeked children and their plain, homespun parents. Why, I wouldn't be surprised to learn the midway is manned by cherubs."

But of course that's Markhat being sarcastic, and while there might be winged things hiding along the midway of Dark's Diverse Delights they certainly aren't cherubs.

I really enjoyed writing The Darker Carnival. I will let it slip that this book brings major changes to the series, for all the characters, and while nothing will ever be quite the same again I hope the experience for you, the reader, will be improved.

But we'll have to wait and see. As usual, there's no guarantee The Darker Carnival will be picked up. Of course, if enough readers (wink wink) buy Markhat books, or drop the publisher quick little notes telling them how much you enjoy the series, that would certainly improve the odds.

Meralda and Mug news


Now that the The Five Faces is nearly ready for release and The Darker Carnival is a finished first draft, I'm turning my sights back to the sequel to All the Paths of Shadow. 

I have nearly fifteen thousand words of the new Mug and Meralda book down. It will be called All the Turns of Light, and I hope to have the first draft done before The Five Faces hits the stands in June. 

Phantoms or Foolery?



The Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles has a long history of macabre goings-on. It's linked to the Black Dahlia murder and just last year a missing tourist was found drowned in one of its rooftop water tanks. 

So if you took a shower or had a nice cool glass of refreshing water at the Cecil Hotel around that time, um, yeah. I wouldn't want to talk about it either.

On the plus side, it's slightly cheaper than the Bates Motel, and the snacks in the vending machines are usually fresh, or at least fresher than the corpses filling the water tanks. You can also probably drag a suspiciously lumpy roll of stained carpet out of the place without raising any eyebrows. That's just a tip from me to you.

A new photo has surfaced which shows what some call a ghostly image outside a fourth story window of the Cecil. Click below to read the story for yourself.


I'm going to call this one a reflection phenomena, because it looks to me as if the photo was taken from inside a vehicle, and the 'ghost' is nothing more than a reflection of something on the dashboard. But that's just a guess.

Time for me to get back to work! Take care, all, and if you own a hotel please check your rooftop water tanks for corpses every now and then.

Still here? Quick, go read this!

Middle Earth as Seen From Space

Cover Reveal: The Five Faces

No more taunts, tricks, teases, or tortoises. The time has come to reveal the cover for The Five Faces, which will hit the shelves on June 16.

Here it is, Markhat revealed at last!


Artist Kanaxa gave us a masterpiece.

First, because it's beautiful. Beyond that, though, the cover is actually about the book. Once you've read it, you'll see what I mean. There are clues everywhere, but I'm not spilling any beans!

Of course any and all conjecture will be entertained, and I might divulge a few hints...

Hope you love the cover as much as I do. Thanks, Kanaxa!


I Ate What?

Today's post will be a smorgasbord, which is a polite way of saying 'a dog's breakfast.' Because I'm not feeling well. If my brain were a car engine, it would almost impossible to start, it would only run for a few minutes at a time, and it would quickly expire with a puff of exhaust and the shriek of wrenching metal.

My gastroenterologist rarely ever smiles.

But I haven't missed posting a Sunday blog since the Battle of Hastings in 1066 and I'm not about to let a minor flare-up of rigor mortis stop me now. So, if the gentleman in the hooded robe will lower his scythe for a moment and take a seat, we will proceed.

We'll wait. 

Fantastic Reads blog hop 

First of all, my writer pal Elsye Salpeter is part of a week-long blog hop, along with a number of other talented fantasy authors. Elyse's book The Hunt for Xanadu is featured, and it's a book I've read and recommend. 


Please click here to check out all the books. Which, by the way, are each priced at $3.99 or less this week!

Markhat update

This has not been the best writing weekend ever. I didn't reach my goal to finish the new Markhat book. On the bright side, I'm two or three solid writing sessions away from a finish, which means this week, barring disaster, will see the end to the first draft of The Darker Carnival.

One of the joys (there are only four, so it's a big deal) of being a writer is finding a box full of sleek print books on your porch. Such was the case Thursday, when the complementary print copies of Brown River Queen arrived from Samhain Publishing.


The print edition of Brown River Queen goes on sale everywhere on March 4. You could pre-order a copy now, if you wanted, wink wink nudge nudge.


Each hardcopy book comes complete with consonants, vowels, punctuation, pages, and sturdy covers. Batteries not required. Occupies three-dimensional space. Can be read in a vacuum, or during hyperspatial transport. Enjoy!

Things That Blow Up Real Good

Kids, don't try this at home. 

My new camera will record video at 480 frames per second. That's creeping into high-speed slow-motion territory, so naturally I had to try it out.

And what better phenomena to record than a small explosion?

The setup is simple. I took my butane torch, which is handy for removing fingerprints from corpses -- er, crafts, I mean crafts -- and lit it using the standard scratch-lighter. The process takes a fraction of a second, and is unremarkable to the naked eye.

Here's what it looks like in amateur slo-mo. Yes, the image is a little dark, because I wanted the sparks and flames to show up.


For all you Apple device folks, here's a link just for you!

Apple video link

Holding Hands documentary

I don't make movies, and if you watched the clip above you know why.

But my wife Karen does, and her latest project Holding Hands is marvelous. 

You've probably heard the admonition "“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." The quote is usually attributed to Plato, although it appears a Scottish author named Ian Maclaren is probably the true author.

Who first wrote the words isn't important. The author captured a universal truth, in that all the strangers we pass by every day bear a burden of one sort or another. No one is immune to tragedy or heartache, at least not for very long. 

Most of us muddle along as best we can. Karen's film is about a woman who faced adversity with rare courage and unyielding resolve. The film is less than 9 minutes long; please give it a look, and maybe remember the old adage. A kind word or even a smile to a stranger could be more important than you'll ever realize.


My Super Bowl Prediction

Sorry this is posting so late. I'm sure quite a few people have placed wagers on the outcome of the Super Bowl, and I'm about to announce the winner and the final score. To anyone who loses money because they weren't able to follow my advice, I'm really sorry.

And the winner is: The Atlanta Braves, by a final score of 24-love. The game was close, early on, but toward the bottom of the 4th inning, the Braves shot 4 under par on the tenth and 11th holes, and the Celtics couldn't catch up. Great game, though! Lots of, er, ball-running, dribbling, skating, and so forth.


At Last, A Book Cover For The Five Faces

I've had my fun, dragging out the cover reveal. But now it's Friday, which means it's time to get serious, and stop posting nonsense.

An actual book cover is posted below. No more Rick Astley videos, no more hands, no more close-ups of suspenders.

So here he is, Markhat, in the flesh....

No, wait, that's not it. But, note to self -- need more hand lotion.


I don't often pose with book covers, but when I do, I pose with this one.


Don't even ask.


Okay, enough procrastination. Drumroll, please!

Wait for it....

Wait for it...



ta-DAA!!

It's a masterpiece, is it not? Although frankly Markhat seems to have let himself go a bit...

I said *a* book cover, not *the* book cover...





















Cover Mea Culpa.

Yesterday, I did a bad thing.

I described a beautiful the new book cover and taunted you with the news that Markhat's face would be revealed at last.

Then, where the full cover image should have gone, I posted a cropped version, which only showed Markhat's hand.

Exhibit A.
That wasn't very nice of me, and I apologize.

So now I come before you, humble and filled with a spirit of contrite repentance. Making people wait until Sunday to see Markhat's manly mug is mean.

My plan was to post a portion of the cover each day, right up until Sunday. Today, for instance, I planned on posting the image below:


The suspender of Markhat! Hey, even finders need to keep their pants up around their waist.

But I've seen the error of my ways. I admit I was wrong, and I hope this means we're friends again.

Click here for full image

Revealed at Last: The Face of Markhat

Back in the primordial mists of pre-history (June of 2008), a finder named Markhat made his debut on Amazon with the release of Dead Man's Rain.


I wasn't sure what readers would make of Markhat. I took the heart and soul of a 1940s private eye and plopped him down in Rannit, a bustling city of humans and Ogres by day and a hunting ground for thirsty halfdead by night. Magic works in Markhat's world. Banshees walk the empty streets.The dead don't always rest. As Markhat's friend Mama Hog observes, sometimes even good and dead isn't good enough.

The response to the first Markhat book was good, so along came two more Markhat adventures.


The Cadaver Client finds Markhat working for a guilt-ridden shade. As Markhat soon learns, the dead can be just as treacherous as the living.

In The Mister Trophy, Markhat is hired by a trio of Trolls. The Trolls want the head of their dead cousin back -- but a mad vampire keeps the stuffed Troll head as a trophy, and he'd rather die than part with his possessions.

All three of these titles were then combined in the print anthology The Markhat Files, shown below.


If you've kept an eye on the book covers, you noticed a running theme. We see Markhat, but his fedora always covers his eyes.

This theme continues for the next four books.


Hold the Dark


The Banshee's Walk


The Broken Bell


Still no face! We see Darla on the cover of Brown River Queen, and we almost see Markhat, but the clever devil maintains his air of mystery by stepping in front of a light source at the last moment, hiding his face once again in shadow.

A new Markhat book will be released in June of this year. Entitled The Five Faces, the latest Markhat book cover is done, and I've seen it, and it is gorgeous. Artist KaNaXa, who also created the stunning cover for Brown River Queen, has done two things -- first, she's made what I believe to be the best cover yet for the series. That's high praise, because all the Markhat covers have been amazing.

Second, KaNaXa shows us Markhat's face for the very first time.

No hiding behind the hat. No lurking inside convenient shadows. No peeking around a corner. You get Markhat, standing tall and plain, right there looking back at you.

Every detail is perfect, right down to his clothes. He's wearing the good coat Darla got him for Yule and the black hat he favors when he knows he's heading for trouble. And heading for trouble he is. The Five Faces is no lighthearted romp. 

This new book will mark the eighth title in the series. I've spent a lot of time in Markhat's head, a lot of time seeing out of his eyes. So I have a pretty good idea what the guy should look like.

KaNaXa nailed it. I'm so in love with this new cover it should probably file a restraining order. I believe you're going to love it too!

I'm looking at the new cover right this very moment. All I have to do is upload the image into Blogger so it will appear below. But gosh, all this technical stuff is so confusing! What does 'crop' mean? 'Select?' I hope I don't accidentally post mere portions of the new cover until I finally get it right in Sunday's blog post. That would be terrible.

Maybe it will work. So, without further adieu, I give you this -- Markhat, revealed at last!

Isn't this image supposed to be bigger?
Bwahahaha....

More later!



All of Frank's books, with links to booksellers


Words With: Raechel Henderson of Eggplant Literary Productions




I've got a special treat for you today! There's a real live publisher in the house, and she's going to pull back the curtain and talk about writing, submissions, and the publishing industry from her point of view. 

I'm speaking of Raechel Henderson, owner and operator of Eggplant Literary Productions. Raechel, via Eggplant, publishes Spellbound, a quarterly fantasy magazine aimed at your inner 12-year-old. Raechel has also published a dozen novella length ebooks, in genres ranging from SF to fantasy to horror. And if that wasn't enough to keep her busy, you can also see Miscellanea at the Eggplant site. Miscellanea contains old-school card catalog entries for books which exist in libraries in other dimensions. Click on a card, and read an excerpt from a book that does not (and could not) exist in the here and now.


The image above is from my favorite Spellbound cover. The stories are just as good as the art. We talk about how she selects stories for Spellbound in the interview, but I'll give you a hint here -- twee won't cut it. 


Another beautiful Spellbound cover. As you can see, each issue is themed -- the first cover was from the Dragons issue, and  the one above is for Creatures of the Deep, Dark Woods. 

You don't have to be 12 years old to enjoy Spellbound. If there's still a kid inside you, there's a lot of fun to be had with each issue.


Excerpt from Spiritual Growths

Spellbound isn't Eggplant's only offering. Raechel offers a number of novella and longer length books aimed at, as Raechel joked, 'your outer 37-year old.' 

I only wish I had an outer 37 year old. But the point is valid -- these are for grown-ups. 



I've known Raechel since the mid 1990s. She was the first publisher to see something worthwhile in my Wistril the Wizard stories, which she published in the infancy of the ebook. Grab something solid, because in those days, there were no Kindles, no Nooks, no iPads. No tablets at all. The technology was so primitive we had to etch code onto plastic discs with sharp sticks and read them around campfires while the shank of mastodon cooked. Heck, we didn't even have the whole alphabet, just the letters A through G. We had to walk uphill through the snow for nine miles just to boot our DOS-based operating systems. 

My, how far we've come. Raechel has seen all these changes, and has seen them from the other side of the desk. I hope you'll listen to the whole interview, because there's a lot of information there for writers and fans alike.

By the way, any Markhat fans out there will also enjoy Raechel's resident detective, who has two titles among her ebook offerings. Check out this excerpt from My Gun Sleeps Alone, by Martin Clark.



Excerpt from My Gun Sleeps Alone

Humor? You bet! As an admitted sucker for a ghost story, Crystal Lynn Hilbert had me at 'death-by-shaving accident.'



Excerpt from Dead on Arrival

There's a lot to see and read on the Eggplant website. Take a moment and visit, and then you can hear Raechel talk about what makes Eggplant tick in the audio interview linked below.

Click here for the Audio Interview: Words With: Raechel Henderson


I'd like to thank Raechel for taking time out of her busy schedule to grant the interview. And I hope some of you check out Eggplant and consider it as a market! Raechel is good people, and she's deadly serious about professionalism and impeccably high standards. 

Now I'm off to finish the new Markhat book. Take care, people!

Expedition Unknown Live Interview Sing-Along!




Welcome, boys and ghouls, to my appearance as a guest on the Expedition Unknown internet radio show!

I'm Frank Tuttle, large mammal, sometimes author, sometimes amateur paranormal investigator. Tonight we'll be emphasizing the paranormal side of things.

Expedition Unknown is a professional paranormal investigation group based in the Mid-South, an area which covers Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee. Here's a link to their webpage, and here is a link to their YouTube channel, which features a number of fascinating EVP recordings caught during their investigations.

I've prepared this blog entry to showcase my own 3 best pieces of EVP evidence, as well as a few images I found interesting.

I hope you'll pull up this page in one browser tab and listen to the live radio show on TMV Cafe in another. I promise it will be fun -- the shows airs at 8:00 PM CST on Monday January 20. Please join us!

Now, on to my EVPs.

The best one is first. I recorded this in 2012 in Oxford, Mississippi, after a visit to author William Faulkner's grave. It was early evening, just dark. I noted the presence of so many liquor bottles left at Faulkner's grave (a local tradition), and commented 'maybe I should have brought a case.' A female voice I didn't hear during recording said this:

hiphop.mp3

Sounds like 'hiphop' to me. Which is completely out of context, but there it is.

Next up is another EVP, from the same place and time -- Oxford, 2012.

goahead.mp3

If you're interested, the full blog entry associated with these EVP recording is here:

Things That Go Bump, Famous Author Edition

Next up is a laugh, apparently aimed at me, which I recorded in a tiny cemetery in Tula, Mississippi in 2012. I was alone, in broad daylight. I invited any entities to speak, adding that their voices could be recorded by the instrument I held. Listen to what follows.

instrument.mp3

Of all the EVPs I've captured, those are probably the best.

Here is a full set of links to my paranormal-themed blog entries:

The Wild Man of Yocona Bottom.
This contains a full, high-quality 20 *minute* recording of something howling while being pursued by a pack of hounds along the Yocona River, about a mile from my patio. Recorded with a darned good Zoom H1 mic, purely by accident. Very strange.
/frank-tuttle/2013/11/the-wild-man-of-yocona-bottom.html

Things That Go Bump, 2013:
/frank-tuttle/2013/09/things-that-go-bump-2013-issue-1.html
/frank-tuttle/2013/10/things-that-go-bump-1013-issue-2.html
/frank-tuttle/2013/10/things-that-go-bump-2013-issue-3.html

Instrumental Trans Communications (pictures!)
/frank-tuttle/2013/08/things-that-go-bump-mad-science-edition.html
/frank-tuttle/2013/07/thing-that-go-bump-mad-science-edition.html

Below, an image I captured and immediately dubbed 'Mr. Spooky Face.'




A typical mirror-box ITC image, as captured by my mirror box rig.

ITC image captured by the Scole Group. 
Link to the Scole Experiment webpage (1995 called, wants its code back):
The Scole Experiment

Just for fun:
Dead in the Deep South: A Field Guide to Southern Ghosts
/frank-tuttle/2013/03/ghost-hunters-guide-dead-in-deep-south.html

Things That Go Bump, 2012:
/frank-tuttle/2012/10/things-that-go-bump-chapter-1.html
/frank-tuttle/2012/10/things-that-go-bump-chapter-2.html
/frank-tuttle/2012/10/things-that-go-bump-chapter-3-graveyard.html
/frank-tuttle/2012/10/things-that-go-bump-chapter-4-and-now.html

My webpage:
http://franktuttle.com/

Expedition Unknown


Are you intrigued by all things spooky and mysterious? Do you have Internet access, and a couple of ears?

Great! Let me invite you to join myself and the amazing folks of Expedition Unknown, a TAPS family member organization that conducts paranormal research right here in the Mid-South. Expedition Unknown hosts a paranormal talk show every Monday evening at 8:00 PM CST, and I'm their guest tomorrow night.

We'll be talking about EVP phenomena. Ghost hunting. Cryptids. Local legends. We will each share at least one hair-raising, heart-stopping three-fisted tale of terrifying encounters with That Which Man Should Not Disturb! Or I might play the harmonica while drinking a glass of straight Absinthe. You just never know.

To listen online, just click here. The show is hosted on TMV Cafe's website, so if you go in via the website, just click the radio link to get to the show.

I met Stephen and Tanya at MidSouthCon last year. Expedition Unknown has some fascinating EVP clips on their YouTube channel -- the clips are well worth a listen. Especially if you're all alone, on a dark and stormy night...

Remember, the show is live, and it starts at 8:00 PM CST Monday January 20! There's also a chat room you can join, so you can post questions or mock my accent. Hope to see you there!

Bugs Invade the Moon

When it comes to shiny new gadgets, I'm just a big flightless crow. A big flightless crow lacking wings, feathers, hollow bones, or a beak. True, my crow analogy was fatally flawed and ill-advised, but I hope you got my meaning, which is that I have an unseemly and irrational love for things that make beep noises and have at least one USB port.

So I have a new camera. It's not a fancy digital SLR, because we crows are chronically short on pocket cash. Instead, I picked up a Fuji Finepix SL1000, which is turning out to be every bit as much fun as a $1500 Canon.

For instance, the following image of the Moon. I took this from my backyard at around 6:00 AM this morning. I was in my underwear. I realize that detail isn't truly relevant to the quality of the photograph, but I'm told that sex sells.

Anyway, I snapped off this picture without the aid of a tripod. I didn't even steady the camera against a tree.


Not too bad for an off-the-cuff shot! Below are another couple of lunar images. They were taken Friday evening, from my porch, and yes I was wearing pants.



I've seen views of the Moon similar to these before, but only through my telescope. Which suggests a new project for the blog -- I'll build a camera mount for the telescope, and we can probably read the serial numbers on the chassis of the Chinese moon rover. More on that later!

Wait, I promised you a bug. So. Here's a dried cicada skin, shot by the same camera in SuperMacro mode. Cute little devil, isn't he?



Coming Soon



My January 30th blog will feature an audio interview with publisher Raechel Hendersen, owner and prime mover behind Eggplant Literary Productions and Spellbound children's fantasy magazine. You won't want to miss this one, especially if you're a writer. I'll be sure to keep my fat yap shut and let Raechel do most of the talking!

Writing Update

Markhat admonishes me to write faster.
It appears I may finish the new Markhat right on schedule. After I post this blog, work on the second round of edits for The Five Faces, and join my crow brethren in the tree for a bit of squawking and random pecking at a scrap of aluminum foil, I'll start on the new book's final big scene. When it's done, there's the denouement, but those practically write themselves since that's usually the bit that I see first when the idea for the book pops into my head. I see the first draft of The Darker Carnival being done by month's end.

Once the first draft of the new Markhat is done, I'll put it aside for a week while I reboot the Meralda and Mug series. Then I'll devote half of each writing session to beating the first draft of the The Darker Carnival  with a stick. When I'm sure reading The Darker Carnival won't induce nausea, vomiting, or the urge to find a tall overpass, I'll send it off to the Cambrit Street Irregulars, who will beta read the thing.

Meanwhile, the sequel to All the Paths of Shadow will forge ahead. 

The new Mug and Meralda book presents a unique challenge. Will I pitch this one to an agent, submit directly to a publisher, or go it alone and self-publish it?

I love having a publisher. Working with Samhain has been a joy. They provide cover artists, free professional editing, proofreading, marketing, file conversions, a hundred other services without any cost to me whatsoever. Samhain gets me into bookstores around the world and down the block. They're unfailingly professional, and they they get things done. 

If Samhain handled young adult fantasy, I'd send them the Mug and Meralda book in a heartbeat. But they don't, so that's not an option.

On the flip side of the publishing coin, I know enough about ferbling the gizwoks to put out my own Kindle ebook. Let's say I manage to find a great cover artist and enlist the aid of a competent editor -- what's to stop me from putting out the new Mug and Meralda YA book all by myself? Sure, I don't get the marketing engine of a publisher, but the first book has already created a market for the second. 

Oh. The dread phrase 'lots of work, assuming the role of publisher' just rampaged howling through my mind. 

Hmm. Lots to think about. But right now, it's time to squawk at the neighbor's cat. Take care, folks! 

Wild Things

WILD TURKEY

No, not the bourbon. I mean the actual wild turkey, Meleagris gallopavo, or as I call him, Mr. Gobbles.


Mr. Gobbles wandered in front of my trail camera yesterday, and had his portrait made. He's a striking bird, and yes that is an almost metallic green you see on his plumage. That means he's a male. If his lady friend was around she was clever enough to avoid having her picture snapped.

We see big flocks of wild turkey in the distance all the time. Seeing this guy up close is a treat. Most of the time they're long gone before you can approach them.

That derelict structure in the background is an old deer stand, long abandoned. 


The image above is Mr. Gobbles. He appears to be inspecting the camera. He's probably wondering if he can use it as a Wifi hotspot.

As long as I'm posting critter pics, here's one of Lou Ann, posing triumphantly at the peak of Two Thousand Millimeter Mountain:


And here's another Lou pic, as she enjoys her obligatory dip in the pond.



I've heard no repeats of the call I recorded (The Wild Man of Yocona Bottom), so either Bigfoot has rented a condo closer to town or he's learned to do his yelling in a bucket so the neighbors don't raise a fuss.

BOOK GIVEAWAY


I'm giving away a free signed copy of All the Paths of Shadow this week! To win it, all you have to do is email me (franktuttle at franktuttle dot com) with the CORRECT COUNT of the gargoyles in the picture above. The first person to offer a correct summation of the gargoyles contained in the image wins. 

I'll sign the book however you want and mail it out free of charge. Just get the number right.

Good luck!

RANDOM WRITING ROOM: THE EVILS OF HEAD-HOPPING

Look in any writing how-to book and you'll find pages and pages of advice on how to best handle point of view. 

Point of view takes many forms. First person. Second person. Third person omniscient.  The Unreliable Narrator.  Third Person Objective. 

Your choices are many. 

I'm not going to list each and every possible POV and the advantages and disadvantages thereof.  I tend to stick with first person in my Markhat stories, and third person omniscient in most of my other titles. But here's one thing I will tell you about point of view -- pick one, and stick with it. 

One of the dangers in shifting a POV is called 'head-hopping.' It's jarring and distracting. 

Here's an example, to show you what I mean. Assume that Mary is our heroine, and this passage takes place somewhere in the middle of the story: 

Mary frowned. "I don't know if I can get all this done before Saturday, Mr. Smith." Mary fought to keep her voice from shaking. Of course I can't get all this work done before Saturday, she thought.  No one could, and he knows it, and he's just being cruel. 

"I have perfect faith in you," said Mr. Smith. He allowed himself a triumphant smile. You'll work all night every night because you have no choice, he mused, watching Mary fight back tears. You'll do what I say, because I'm the boss. 
  
That's an example of head-hopping. It's perfectly fine to show the reader what Mary is thinking, because she's the heroine, and we get to see what's going on inside her. 

But her boss, Mr. Smith, is off limits. Jumping into his head reveals things Mary simply cannot know. And since Mary's character is our point of view character, we need to stay in her head and her head alone, especially if this is a short story. 

Let's amend that exchange above to avoid head-hopping. 

Mary frowned. "I don't know if I can get all this done before Saturday, Mr. Smith." Mary fought to keep her voice from shaking. Of course I can't get all this work done before Saturday, she thought.  No one could, and he knows it, and he's just being cruel. 

"I have perfect faith in you," said Mr. Smith.  He smiled a thin little smile and leaned forward, putting his face close to Mary's.  His eyes met hers. "You won't disappoint me, will you, Mary? Because you like this job, don't you? You need this job, isn't that right?" 

Mary blinked and looked away. "Yes sir," she said. "Yes sir." 

We see Mary's thoughts. But what goes on in Mr. Smith's head is as much a mystery to us as it is to Mary, although he makes it clear from his words and his actions that he's a bully, and he enjoys being a bully. 

You'll be pleased to learn that Mr. Smith is later set upon by raging giant weasels, and Mary inherits his job and gives herself a raise. Hopefully you also learned the basics of avoiding head-hopping. It's a bad practice. Avoid it with as much vigor as you would avoid raging weasels of giant stature.   
 

WRITING UPDATE

First round edits on The Five Faces are back with the publisher. I am more than 70% done with the new Markhat book, The Darker Carnival, assuming I wind up with a manuscript fairly close to the projected word count. 

Since I'm meeting or exceeding my 1500 word per day target, I could finish the first draft this month. My very first Word file entitled The Darker Carnival is dated mid-October, so if I make my January deadline that will mean I started and finished a rough draft in around three months.

If you look at the math, writing a book in 90 days isn't impossible. At 1500 words per day that's 135,000 words, after cutting a quarter of those away you're left with around 100K. 

It's not necessary to be a verb-slingin' superman to write a book quickly -- A steady pace and commitment to daily goals is all you really need. 

I've never managed to pull it off before. I hope I can do it again!

Oh, and not that I'm plugging a book, but here's a book I'm plugging:


And here's the link to the book I'm not plugging:


If you've read the book already and liked it and haven't had a chance to leave a review, there's a link, wink wink nudge nudge...

Okay, back to work for me! Take care, and see you next week!


Fruitcake Pants

Happy or Otherwise Pleasant Generic Greeting Here

I don't engage in holiday posts, because by now you've read a bazillion of them and you'd probably rather have an entire fruitcake shoved down the front of your pants than endure even one more heartfelt paean to the Year That Was.

Fruitcake Pants, available in S, M, and Without Raisins.
Or maybe that's just me. What I could really use right now is a way to get fruitcake out of my zipper, but that's another story.

So I won't bore you with a list of Ten Homemade Narcotics I'll Be Giving Up in 2014 or Things About 2013 That Made It the Bestest Year EVAH, With Illustrations of Kittens Throughout.

 So no lists. I'll say this much, and no more. 2013 was good year for me, in terms of writing, books sales, and awards. The Broken Bell won a Darrell Award (Best Novel). Saving the Sammi won the Best Short Story Darrell Award for 2013. Sales of All the Paths of Shadow inexplicably shot from the mid-hundred-thousands to the hundreds in terms of Amazon rankings, after an astonishing 500 sales in a 4 hour period in the wee hours of a single night. I still don't have an explanation for that. A new Markhat book, Brown River Queen, was released in March.



I also had a screenplay turned into an actual honest-to-Gosh movie, with actors and special effects and a craft table and everything. You can watch The Embalming for free, if you haven't seen it already. It's short and a lot of fun.

But the best of 2013 is yet to come. The Five Faces, a new Markhat novel, was written in 2013 and will hit the stands in June of this year. I think you'll like it; it's the best of the series yet.

I haven't forgotten Meralda and Mug. Their new book, All the Turns of Light, is in the works. It should be finished before The Five Faces sees its June release.

All that sounds like bragging, and for that I apologize. I'm talking to myself here, and my point is this -- I had a good 2013 not because of luck or talent or even that awkward business at midnight at the crossroads. No, I had a good 2013 because I finally learned to put my butt in the chair and work. Whether I feel like it or not, whether I want to or not, whether the Muse is whispering in my ear or not.

I've done a lot less self-promotion on the Interwebs. I've paid almost no attention to my Amazon rankings. I've spent precisely zero time agonizing over poor reviews.

So that's my big lesson learned from 2013. Work more. Output matters. All other concerns are trivial by comparison.

The other lesson involves not putting battery booster cables to my tongue, but that's not germane to the writing process anyway.

Pictures of Dogs And Bigfoots

Now that you've endured exactly the sort of bloviated lecture I promised you'd not be subjected to, here is my dog Lou Ann enjoying a chilly dip in an icy pond yesterday afternoon.


Lou loves water, and can't resist diving in regardless of the temperature. I would have joined her, but I left my tiny red Speedos back at base camp.

Here is a shot of Lou emerging and shaking herself dry. I've been trying to get a shot of a dog shaking off water for years, and this is the first time I've even gotten close to nailing it.


Yeah, the sky really was that blue. The next shot is of the water, and those trees are all reflections. That's artsy, is what that is.


Finally, yet another in my acclaimed series, Pond Scum Afternoon. If the sun is low enough, I guess the rays are refracted off the mixture of ice and scum, producing both a rainbow effect of colors and probably a spate of UFO sightings in the next county.



Since I promised a Bigfoot update, here it is. No further strange calls, nothing on the trail cam except squirrels, deer, a coyote, and some peeping eyes which could be anything from Mothman to Heraldo Rivera.

Live on the Internet Radio


On Monday evening, January 27th, at 8:00 PM CST, I'll be joining the crew of Expedition Unknown as their guest on their weekly net radio show, Expedition Unknown. This hour-long audio show will be a lot of fun; the crew of Expedition Unknown has a wealth of ghost stories and paranormal investigation experience, while I have a poor command of English and a kazoo. Go to http://www.tmvcafe.com/ and then click on the RADIO button, and you can listen to the show live as we talk. There's also a chat room, and signup is free, so you can join in the fun online. 


I met Tanya, Stephen, and Andy at MidSouthCon last year. I was immediately impressed with their balance of skepticism and open-mindedness -- these guys aren't wild-eyed True Believers who see spooks behind every shrub. They're careful, professional, and thorough. 

They've also got a YouTube channel which contains some amazing EVP evidence. Grab your headphones and check it out here.  



Speaking of all things unusual and possibly laden with gore and mystery, Dr. Clifton Meador was Steve Bradshaw's December 28th guest on The Steve Bradshaw Show. Dr. Meador is the author of Fascinomas, a book chock full of things and situations that have absolutely no business existing. Fascinating stuff for anyone with a taste for the inexplicable. 

To listen, click on The Steve Bradshaw Show and then find the play button next to the interview link (the 12/28 one). 

The End

The wind is howling. The temperature is dropping. The sky is color of old lead. If there's a sun up there behind the dreary clouds, it's minding its own business.

Perfect writing weather. See you guys next week! Take care, and treat time travelers with extra consideration, because they know things and might drop hints. 

Happy New Year, and FREE STUFF!




Hi gang! Hope you all had a rockin' New Year's Eve. As is my custom, we spent the evening atop the Eiffel Tower while highly-trained aerialists showered us with Himalayan rose petals and crisp hundred-dollar bills.

Or maybe we stayed home and watched Season Four of Breaking Bad. Either way, it was spectacular, I'm sure.

Now, on to the free stuff. I was invited to take part in 2014's amazing Indie Steampunk Extravaganza giveaway, and I've put five copies of All the Paths of Shadow up for grabs. All you have to do is enter, and Rafflecopter handles the rest.

Good luck, and again, Happy New Year!



a Rafflecopter giveaway

Words With Author Maria Schneider

I try to keep the blog fresh. Exciting. In line with certain oddly specific court-ordered strictures, but still fun to read.

So today I'm unveiling a new feature, which I hope to repeat once a month.

Welcome to Words With!

This edition of Words With features author Maria Schneider, a New Mexico native now residing in Texas. I met Maria a while back on the Amazon Kindle forums, and when I discovered she was an author I gobbled up her books. Literally. That was during an awkward time in my life when a head injury made me think I was a goat. I still can't look at paper without salivating.

Anyway, Maria has an impressive 17 titles below her name on her Amazon Author page, and that's no small feat. She writes everything from urban fantasy (her Moon Shadow series) to straight-up gritty realism (Soul of the Desert).

Author Maria Schneider and friend
My favorite of Maria's books are the Moon Shadow books. Set in modern-day Santa Fe, her heroine Adriel drives a battered Honda Civic and, much to her dismay, knocks heads with ghosts, vampires, shape-shifters, and other unpredictable sorts using her own unique brand of earth magic.


Of course, Earth magic isn't the only kind of magic around. Adriel's friend White Feather works as a wind energy consultant by day, but he's a wind witch when magic is afoot.


Oh, and the vampires -- they don't sparkle. Not one bit. Then there's Lynx, who can shape-shift, which I;ve always wished I could do, because then I could be skinny.



If witches and ghosts aren't quite your cup of supernatural tea, Maria is also the creator of the Max Killian Investigates stories. These stories are set in our world, but after a fictional oil crisis which resulted in the collapse of the global economy and the sudden emergence of all manner of supernatural beasties.

Max works as a private investigator. Max has the supernatural ability to smell ghosts and sense magic, but he keeps that a secret because (and I love this bit) people with paranormal senses are taxed at a higher rate if they earn a living from these abilities. Good twist! Adds an entire extra layer to the stories.


Maria's Sedona O'Hala series doesn't contain any supernatural elements at all -- but there's lots of humor, mystery, and clever plotting!


I love this fantasy novel, The Dragons of Wendal. "Cousin Lonnie was an idiot." Well, yeah, he is!



Maria's latest release, Soul of the Desert, tells the story of a troubled youth snatched away from gang life in New York to work on a remote cattle ranch in New Mexico. It's a fascinating read, and a heck of a character portrayal!


Now that you know a little about Maria Schneider, turn up thy speakers, ready your best clicking finger, and prepare to embark on a sonic journey as Maria and I talk about writing, aardvarks, her preference for ionic to covalent chemical bonds, and of course the controversy over the inclusion of Finnish synchronized otter licking as an Olympic event.

Click below to hear Words With: Maria Schneider!

Words With Maria

Thanks to Maria for taking her time for the interview!

And now, helpful links to Maria's sites and books:

Maria's BearMountainBooks blog

Maria's Amazon Author page

Maria on Twitter

Bigfoot Update

Weird how the forest light makes my golden yellow hair look grey, isn't it?

Several weeks have passed since the inexplicable howling we recording along the Yocona River (see my November 10 entry, The Wild Man of Yocona Bottom). 

We've listened for more howls, but haven't heard a thing. We got a trail camera and we keep it moving around in the woods south of our house, but so far we've only managed to photograph deer, squirrels, cats, dogs, two Muppets, a flying saucer crash-landing, Elvis, and what can only be The Invisible Man.

But no Bigfoots. We keep the camera in play, though, so who knows?

Obligatory Nature Photo

I keep my trusty Fuji Finepix handy when we tramp through the swamps of Dagoba to check the trail cam. The image below is of one of the wooded ponds, taken on a bright cold December day. Note how the pond scum takes on different colors when the sun is at just the right angle!


Okay, folks, time for me to get back to work! Again, a big thanks to Maria joining us!



Foothot Five the First

Frank's Foothot Five

The glamour and allure of the writing life!
Welcome to the first installment of a recurring feature which shall be named Frank's Foothot Five!

Today, I've ambushed -- er, enlisted the generous assistance of fantasy author Elyse Salpeter. Elyse has four novels out, and entries in several anthologies (all available from Amazon, of course). Her latest book, The Hunt for Xanadu, was just released Friday (I had an ARC, because hello, Evil Genius!). I read it, and loved it, and I recommend it!

Here's how the Foothot Five works. I ask the hapless author five questions, which the author answers as quickly as they can. Meanwhile, the bucket fills with scorpions and the counterweight mechanism slowly raises the door to the tiger den. It's all very simple, especially if you live in a mad scientist's abandoned Lair of Evil. Sure, the place is hard to heat, but it came with indoor acid pools and three old Soviet nukes!

Author Elyse Salpeter
That's Elyse above. She's written everything from YA fantasy (The World of Karov, The Ruby Amulet, Flying to the Light, The Sun and the Star) to modern-day thrillers filled with Buddhist mythology (her latest, The Hunt for Xanadu). You can visit her website www.elysesalpeter.com, follow her on Facebook, or find her Twitter feed here. She maintains a weekly blog, Musings From a Type A Mom, which is always fun to read. Now it's my turn to shut up and let the author speak.
 
So here they are, the Foothot Five! My questions in bold, replies in plain text. Enjoy!

Frank's Foothot Five

Foot-hot. Adverb, archaic. "On the spot. See also hastily."

1. Let's go back to the beginning. Can you remember the moment when you first realized 'I want to be a writer?' If so, describe the circumstances leading up to that moment. If you can't remember, make something up, because after all you're a writer.

Elyse: I always had an active imagination as a kid and loved to collect things like buttons and stickers, to shells and rocks (yes, my desk was filled). I also loved to draw, but not sweet happy faces and cute little animals. I drew families of fifty kids (and the siblings were all twins, triplets and other multiples) and drew wild pictures of cars and houses, each with fifteen plus levels to them. They had movie theaters, carnivals, zoos and cafeterias. Then I’d draw stores and have floor after floor of different kinds of products ranging from the mundane, pants and shoes, to the more arcane (floors filled with wigs seemed to be a big theme for me as a kid)

<story takes a sad turn here, get out your tissues>  So, to get back to your question: One day I was in my ninth grade honors English class and I wrote an extra credit book report that I was immensely proud of. Instead of simply regurgitating the book, I decided I wanted to conduct it like an interview and I had a news reporter interviewing the main character.

When the teacher, (a bitter old woman who will forever remain nameless and will thankfully never teach a student again), gave it back to me, she wrote a big red zero on the top and told me (loudly, in front of the class) that it was the worst piece of writing she’s ever seen. (this was a creative writing assignment, mind you) She crushed me. Right in front of her I crumpled it up, threw it on the floor and said “I give up.” I stopped writing until college. Then, one day in my freshman year, I had this idea for a book and I remember saying to myself, “Don’t let that horrible lady control your life.” So, I didn’t. I wrote the book and that’s where my writing “life” started. Getting the guts to put the words and ideas finally on paper and not worrying about what other people would think.  
 
2. What do you find to be the most maddening aspect of being a writer today? With me it's snakes, but that's my fault because my writing desk is inside the cobra exhibit.  Describe your main source of frustration. Feel free to kick it in the shins. 

Elyse: I have a few frustrations. Personally, it’s finding the time to write while managing work and a family. The second is exposure. How to find the right people to read my stories? Third is social media. What aspects of that beast do I concentrate on? There are days I spend hours on social media and I cringe when I look at my WIP’s just sitting there waiting for me to open them up and get to work finishing them.  

3. Every book is a journey. What do you hope your readers experience as they travel with your characters and visit your fictional worlds?

I hope I can let my readers forget about all the stresses they have and for a little while they can disappear into the worlds I create. Now, these are not always happy little ditties where everything is a bed of roses, but I do try to create stories that are interesting and hopefully entertaining (at least they are to me!)  

4. You've just captured a leading New York literary agent in a trip-line net. In the 30 seconds it takes the agent to retrieve their cell phone and summon a SWAT team, pitch any of your books in a single sentence compelling enough to both get a read and have the charges dropped. GO!  

Elyse: I have a brand new idea to pitch to you. The Hunt for Xanadu is about a young girl on a mission to avenge the death of her parents, murdered in their quest to find the mystical land of Xanadu. It’s steeped in Buddhism, has an international flavor and I believe it’s something we’ve not read about in the field before. (I think that was under 30 seconds, but I talk fast – hey, I am a New Yorker!)

5. Every writer has a process by which words get put together. I use foolscap and a tattoo gun. Faulkner used whiskey and a manual typewriter. How do you write? Mac or PC? Word or Scribd? Morning or night? If you have any warm-up rituals (loud music, samba dancing, llama taunting) describe those too.

Elyse: I have an HP Laptop and write in Word. A few months ago my Dell laptop’s motherboard was slowly crashing and I had the big decision to go Mac or PC. After debating, living for days in the Apple store and grilling every employee, then appealing to the internet for suggestions, then living in Microcenter, I finally chose to keep the operating system I was comfortable with. It was the best decision I made. The company I purchased the computer from saved everything on the old laptop and transferred it to the new one. Seriously, within ten minutes of having the new laptop I was already working on my WIP. Best feeling ever! 

Click here to go to Amazon!
Thanks, Elyse, for joining us on the blog today! Everyone will be happy to know she got past the tigers, avoided both acid pools, and entered the shutdown code before the nukes went off, making her an honorary member of the Evil Genius Society. Mrs. Salpeter, your monocle, sinister white cat, and miniature (evil) clone are waiting by the umbrella stand. Hope to see you again soon!

What am I Reading Now?

I am mid-way through Neil Gaiman's and Dave McKean's The Graveyard Book. 

The Graveyard Book is the story of an orphaned infant taken in by the kindly residents of a graveyard. Young Nobody, Bod for short, grows up among ghosts, learning their ways, not knowing his life among the dead (and the undead) is anything but perfectly normal.

I won't post any spoilers, but if you haven't read this classic, you need to. Zelazny couldn't have done it any better.

Writing News

Progress continues on the new Markhat book. Of course I can't say much without spoiling any surprises the book holds, but I can say I've reached and surpassed the halfway point.

Here's a very short spoiler-free excerpt:

From THE DARKER CARNIVAL:

Mama Hog climbed atop a cannon, waving her cleaver, shouting words lost to the gunfire and the shouting. I saw vague shapes in the dark behind her, and wondered if I was seeing Darla and Gertriss make a desperate last stand.

Evis charged the monsters. The rotary gun chewed through their right flank, keeping Mama and the cannons out of the line of fire. Things went down in a tangle of legs and inky dark blood.

One of the halfdead tossed me a sword. The blade glowed faintly. I caught it as Slim hefted Alfreda into the back of the wagon.

"Die well!" he bellowed, and together we charged the left flank of the nightmares.

Season's Greetings!

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Yule, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Pancha Ganapati, Hogmanay, Yalda, Boxing Day, or Hanukkah, I wish you all the very best. May peace and joy not only follow you but make smooth the ways and fill your pockets with cash during the holidays and the new year!

And hey, if you're still looking for that perfect ebook stocking stuffer, I have a few titles out!








The Even Wilder Man of Yocona Bottom

Fig 3A, The Yeti, sans britches.
Many of you will perhaps recall a prior blog entry entitled The Wild Man of Yocona Bottom, in which we recorded some unusual vocalizations originating somewhere along the Yocona River.

Subsequent scrutiny on the source audio has revealed something startling -- I believe there may have been not one but two creatures sounding the calls. One was close, and the other was further away, and harder to hear. 

But when you do hear it, it sounded like this:


First you hear dogs bark, barkbarkbark. Then you hear a long loud call, woooooooo, then dogs barking.

It's that wooooooo call I missed on the first close listen to the audio.

Contrast that call with what we heard as much louder and closer, on the rest of the recording:


Two callers, of undetermined species? Could be.

In an effort to identify what sorts of critters make their home in the woods behind out house, we installed a trail camera this afternoon. We hung it on a tree in what I think is a great spot, where two heavily-traveled game trails converge on the banks of a pond surrounded on all sides by dense woods.


Late afternoon, dense growth. Perfect place to hide.

First, I hung a line of apples across the game trail. Because as everyone knows, Sasquatch loves Granny Smith apples.


That stalwart fellow in the lower left corner is Lamar, our big black lab. Lou Ann was also with us, but every time she saw the camera turn her way she turned her backside to the lens. 

Lamar is now a gentle giant with a wide lazy streak. We found him many years ago running down the middle of Lamar Avenue in Oxford, thus his name. He weighed 15 pounds. I have never seen a creature so emaciated and skeletal; the vet said he should have weighed three times that, for his age and build. As you can tell, he eats rather well, these days.

But back to the wild wood. No sooner had I hung the apples, than one fearsome forest creature appeared!


I tossed a handful of jewelry into the woods, and she took off in pursuit of it. Always come prepared, kids!

Here's the whole setup:


Apples in the trees, trap camera strapped to tree. I should be able to catch anything traveling along either of the two trails or anything heading toward the pond for a drink.

The astute viewer may realize the apples and the camera are hung at levels more suited to Hobbits than Sasquatch. Which may be true, but I didn't think to lug a ladder through all that brush, and if all I get is a picture of hairy knees that will be fine too.


I predict here and now the vast majority of the photos will be those of deer, foxes, coyotes, feral pigs, dogs, bobcats, raccoons, and of course the occasional wandering saucer man.

I'll keep you posted on what images we capture.

FRANK'S RANDOM RECORD ALBUMS


I've told this story before, but it's been a while so I'll tell it again.

I'm a classic rock guy. I grew up listening to rock -- stadium rock, prog rock, classic rock. Pink Floyd and AC/DC and The Moody Blues and The Alan Parsons Project and the Beatles and ZZ Top and a host of other bands formed my musical ecosphere. My knowledge of 80s rock was encyclopedic. I listened to music non-stop.

Something happened in the early 2000s, though. I stopped listening to new music, and instead retreated into my collections of CDs (you kids can Google compact disc).

But as much as I love my collected music, a year or so ago I got restless. I wanted new music, stuff I'd never heard before. I wanted the same joy of discovery I felt the first time I listened to Dark Side of the Moon, or Tales of Mystery and Imagination.

I wandered around in iTunes, getting a song or two here and there, finding a few gems but missing that old rock and roll magic.

Then a new record store opened up in Oxford. An old-school record store called The End of All Music, selling vinyl albums.

What sorcery is this, I wondered? Who buys vinyl anymore, and why?

I'll answer both the who and the why questions. I buy vinyl, and I buy vinyl because it's just more fun.

My turntable isn't some five-hundred dollar European laser-balanced precision machine. I'm using the same massive Sony amp I bought in 1992. My speakers are so old they get AARP letters, addressed R. Speaker and L. Speaker.

But slap a vinyl album on my rig, and sit back in a comfy chair, and I tell you it's magic all over again.

I believe a good vinyl record on a decent turntable played through a good amp and quality speakers sounds better than the same album played from a digital audio file or a CD.

Could that be a bit of self-induced delusion?

Yeah, sure it could, but wouldn't Life be sad and awful without self-induced delusion?

What I really love about a vinyl album is this -- it forces you to A) sit and B) listen.

You hear the tracks in the order the artist arranged them. You don't skip from track 2 to track 9 just because the first few nanoseconds of a song don't grab you. Unless you want to haul your aging carcass our of your comfy chair and fiddle with the tone-arm, you're going to go where the musicians lead.

And that's when the magic comes back. For me, anyway.

Now, I don't know a thing about today's music scene. Show me a wall of new albums and I probably couldn't identify more than one or two. I don't even understand the new genres.

So my method for buying a new album is this -- I grab at random.

Tonight's random pick is The XX, and their album named X. Or XX. Frankly I'm not sure, because the cover says X and the record itself says X but the liner notes state XX. So either X or XX, and my inability to decide should showcase my aforementioned ignorance of modern music.

But I never let a little thing like ignorance get in my way, so here's my review of the record X (or XX).

Liner notes. Good times.

OVERALL RATING: 8 out of 10 Blurry Bigfoot Heads 

I like this album. It's contemplative, a touch melancholy, soothing and unhurried and complex. If I had to assign a genre to it, it would be what I call Coffeehouse. It's not in-yer-bloody-face rock ala AC/DC, and it isn't what's-it-all-about-Alfie prog-rock like Pink Floyd. 

But it's really good rainy day listening music. There are a lot guitars and some synth work and some drums. The vocalists are a man and woman and they sound as if the belong together. Best of all, they're not mad at each other, and they're not whining. They're singing, and it's pretty.

This is great music for:
  • Relaxing after a long day of crushing one's enemies 
  • Plotting global domination, but plotting for a year or so away, so no big hurry
  • Enjoying a relaxing goblet of Wobbly Wizard 3506
  • Posing dramatically in the corner of the coffee house while pretending to write a sonnet on foolscap with a quill pen
  • Enoying another relaxing goblet of Wobbly Wizard 3506, because man, that stuff rawks
Okay. That's my review. Let's head on over to Amazon, and see what genre and musical type this album is classified as. That way my incompetence can actually be quantified.

The XX album samples

First of all, it's The XX. Okay. Look, if you're the XX, maybe put another X on the cover. Us old people tend to be literal.

Next, the description:

"The xx exist in a time and space of their own making. In 2009 the south London trio’s debut album ‘xx’, quietly made at night over the course of two years, bled steadily into the public consciousness to become shorthand for newly refined ideas of teenage desire and anxiety. Articulated with a maturity beyond their years, its hallmarks were restraint and ambiguity."

Um. 'Newly refined ideas of teenage desire and ambiguity.' Did you catch that?

I didn't hear any of that. Frankly, I'm so old I wouldn't know a teenage desire if it walked up to me wearing a TEENAGE DESIRE placard. But still, nothing about this album suggested 'teenager' to me.

I said 'contemplative and melancholy.' The artists who created the record claim 'teenage desire.'

Man, that Wobbly Wizard is some potent stuff!

I now abandon any thoughts of being a serious music critic.

But hey, I loved the album.

LAST WORDS

The new Markhat novel is at the halfway point. Yeah, I said it, the halfway point. Which makes this effort the very fastest I've ever achieved. Is writing a novel fast fun?

You bet your Wobbly Wizard it is. Because I'm as eager to know what happens next as I hope you'll one day be.

Speaking of which, I should get back to work. Take care, peoples, and 'ware those teenage desires!









If You've Seen My Brain, Please Send it Straight Home

IN WHICH I USE NEARLY 3% OF MY BRAIN

Fig. 1: The author's renegade brain.
As the old saying goes, some days it's simply not worth the trouble to chew through the leather straps and get out of bed.

Today has been one of those days, where writing is concerned. I sat down to write this blog at precisely 2:39 PM. It is now 6:06 PM. I have completed, let's see, 38 words.

Here's my effort laid out in a timeline:

2:39 PM -- Open file. Note that empty white space must be filled with squiggly things.
2:46 PM -- Words. That's what the squiggly things are called. Glad we got that settled. 
2:47 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
2:54 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
2:59 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
3:04 PM -- It is the fingers I use to type with, right? I know I've done this before, but for some reason everything seems foreign right now. Have a I skipped a step? Am I missing a lizard? Is there a song I'm supposed to hum?
3:09 PM -- Close file. Take in deep breathe. Hold, exhale, let the bad air out. Focus. Center myself. 
3:16 PM -- Krampus. I should write about Krampus, the Old World evil companion to jolly old St. Nick. 
3:17 PM -- Right, because there aren't already a zillion blogs out this time of year yammering away about some obscure Austrian tradition nobody outside of Austria has ever heard of. Yeah, THAT would be original.
3:19 PM -- Resolve to simply skip the blog tonight. Better no entry that a bad one.
3:20 PM -- Ha! If you skip post one you'll skip another and then another and soon your blog will join the millions of other abandoned blogs on the Island of Misfit Toys, how could you do that you complete bastard.
3:22 PM -- Is Krampus really that bad of a subject? I mean, it's creepy, there are a lot of cool pics I could post, and there's even a series of hilarious Austrian speed-metal Krampus carols people might enjoy....
3:23 PM -- Shut up about the Krampus! No more with the Krampus. 
3:24 PM -- Fine. Fine. How about you come up with something, Mr. I Know Precisely What The Readers Want to Read?
3:25 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
3:32 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
3:46 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
3:57 PM -- Fingers hang dramatically above keyboard.
4:04 PM -- All bloody right, do the Krampus thing.
4:05 PM -- No. The moment has passed. How about the Voynich Manuscript?
4:06 PM -- You did that already, back in 2012.
4:07 PM -- Darn. Okay, I've got it, I'll post another letter from my Muse, grumpy old whatshername.
4:08 PM -- Those weren't really all that funny. 
4:09 PM -- Are you sure? I thought they were. People seemed to like them.
4:10 PM -- Trust me, they were just being nice. We need something new.
4:11 PM -- We could just play BioShock Infinite.
4:12 PM -- Shut up.
4:13 PM -- Just for half an hour. 
4:14 PM -- SHUT. UP.
5:52 PM -- What? Where'd all that time go?
5:53 PM -- You were staring. See, if we'd played BioShock, we'd have at least fired off a shotgun or two.
5:59 PM -- What if we played BioShock and recorded our session and supplied humorous commentary?
6:00 PM -- Then you'd be Conan O'Brien, and no offense, but you ain't him.
6:01 PM -- Point.
6:05 PM -- Look, I've got an idea. We make a timeline, see, and fill it out. That could be funny. 
6:06 PM -- Should have gone with Krampus.

MIDSOUTHCON NEWS

If anyone attends MidSouthCon, and if you can you should because it's a blast, it can now be revealed that I have been asked to serve as the Toastmaster for the 2015 MidSouthCon 33!

Already, I am assembling my entourage. If you're interested in joining, the following positions are still open:
  • Man-At-Arms. Must be of large build and imposing nature. Primary duties include clearing a path to the meat tray in the snack room and, um, okay that's pretty much the only primary duty. Knowledge of Klingon, first aid, and room layout of the Memphis Hilton are required.
  • Food Tester. Applicant must sample suspect food offerings to ensure they do not contain healthy, wholesome, or otherwise non-fried components or ingredients. The successful applicant can locate, by smell alone, a sealed bag of cheeseburgers hidden anywhere within a 500 foot radius.
  • Sycophants, Yes-Men, and Yes-Women. Position requires a minimum of three skilled individuals who excel at verbal communication. See the movie 'The Fifth Element' and Ruby Rod's associates for model sycophant behavior. Ability to vary verbal inflections when saying the phrase "Yes, Frank, you are exactly right" is a MUST.
  • Groupies and Hangers-On. Twelve positions. Successful hires must be able to either play a musical instrument or hum along with my personal theme music (TBD) when I enter a room. Squealing and clapping skills are also required.
All salaries are commensurate with experience, and are paid in the internal currency of The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.

Buy me please

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A BOOK?

Why yes, yes I am.

Progress on THE DARKER CARNIVAL continues. Not today, of course, but I wrote every night last week except the evening of the Christmas parade.

Here's a random couple of paragraphs, right out of the first draft:

FROM THE DARKER CARNIVAL

"Welcome to my world," he said, smiling a toothless little smile. "I am Ubel Thorkel, master of Dark's Diverse Delights. My men tell me you write for a newspaper." He nodded at the paper I clutched in my hands. "May I see it?"

I handed it to him. "I am Mortimer Bustman, city desk," I said. He didn't offer to shake hands and neither did I. "People in Rannit are curious about your carnival."

He sat, opening and holding the paper so that I could no longer see his face. 

"Are they now," he said. 

"Oh, they are indeed," I replied. "Mr. Thorkel, do you have any idea how many Rannites start each day by reading the City Daily? Our circulation is well over twenty thousand, and growing by the week. Why, a half dozen paragraphs in our Diversions section could bring in hundreds of visitors to your carnival, the first few nights alone."

He lowered the paper and stared at me.

"My men suspect you are a tax man, Mr. Dustman."

"The name is Bustman," I replied. "We both know even the Regent of Rannit can't collect taxes on a traveling carnival encamped outside the city walls. I don't work for the Regent. I'm just here to write about your carnival, Mr. Thorkel. We haven't seen a traveling show in years, and people are eager to read all about you."

The walls of the tent shut out noise as well as light. There'd been a gang of workmen hammering tent-stakes into the ground when I entered. I hadn't heard a single hammer blow since passing through the flap.

Thorkel didn't blink. I didn't like his eyes. They looked dry, as if both were glass with irises and pupils daubed on with paint.  

He spoke. "Why don't you tell me the truth, Mr. Bustman?"

"I just did."

He let the Daily fall down to his desk. "You came here to mock. To ridicule. To demean. To print lurid descriptions of my show, for the titillation and fleeting amusement of your vapid, witless readership."

"That's twenty thousand vapid, witless readers, each paying five coppers a week to be titillated and fleetingly  amused."

He smiled.

"Twenty thousand, you say?"

"Twenty-two thousand, by the end of the week."

The carnival master nodded. Amid the masks and the wigs, mirrors hung haphazardly on every wall, and the effect of his nod reflected in so many mirrors filled the tent with the illusion of movement.

"May I ask what wage you are paid, to mock and demean?"

"Five coppers a word," I said. "Six, if I manage to fit in ridicule."

He laughed. The sound was abrupt and dry and harsh. I'd heard jackals once, while my unit camped under the stars at Branach, sand dunes sparkling with hoarfrost in the night. Thorkel's laugh sounded like a jackal's cry, hungry and humorless and cruel. 

He fished in his jacket, withdrew a silver Old Kingdom coin, and tossed it to me.

I caught it.

"Make them good words, Mr. Bustman. Excellent words. Now then. Let us show your magnificent audience the varied and unforgettable wonders of Dark's Diverse Delights, mobile circus extraordinaire."

END EXCERPT

And that's it for today. I shall now relent and allow my renegade brain to do whatever it wants, i.e., alternate between napping and drooling. 

Merry Krampus!

PS -- Brain image at top is courtesy of  ©  | Dreamstime.com

Ho Ho Hum, Or a Holiday Survival Guide for Writers and Their Caregivers

Gift Ideas for Writers

© Simon L | Dreamstime Stock Photos
Is there a writer in your life? Are you struggling to come up with that perfect Christmas gift for him or her?

If so, my condolences, because I'm a writer and I know full well what a morose bunch of budding alcoholics we writers usually are.  I'm constantly staring off into space, oblivious to the world around me until the front bumper strikes something solid and the air bags deploy.

That can't be good company.  I know from experience that the Highway Patrol is seldom thrilled.

Every year, it's the same dilemma.  What to give for Christmas?  What will make your writer's eyes light up, or at least open halfway?

As usual, I'm here to help.  My list of suggestions follows, in order of descending utility.

1) BOOZE.  HOOCH. ROTGUT.  That's right, kids, the Demon Rum himself.  Why?  Simple.

A writer's job is to plumb the depths of the human condition, or at least convince a harried editor that he or she is plumbing said depths long enough for the ink to dry on a contract.  And the first thing you'll learn when you start taking a really close look at the much-vaunted human condition is that doing so induces a sudden, powerful urge to have a drink.  Or three.  Or maybe just leave the whole bottle and start running a tab, because right after the urge to drink comes the realization that it's going to be a long bad night.

2) A THESAURUS. Because nothing works better as a coaster for the drinks mentioned above than a really thick book.  I'd counsel against actually using a thesaurus for writing, because no one wants to read sentences in which characters advance, meander, promenade, traipse, or wend one's way across the room.

3) A CAT.  Hemingway had a cat, right?  He had a cat because a cat is the only creature on Earth more vain and self-centered than the average author.  While other more social animals might feel neglected or ignored by an author, who is probably staring off into space or rummaging in the cabinets for more liquor, a cat is perfectly comfortable being ignored because it doesn't know anyone else is in the room anyway.  The cat's 'I don't care if you exist or not' attitude is perfectly suited to the author's mindset of 'What? Huh? Who?'

4) AN ELEGANT LEATHER-BOUND JOURNAL.  We all know that writers, and I mean serious professional writers with book contracts and everything, are always prepared to whip out a convincing character or a heart-wrenching plot at the drop of a dangling participle. So give your author the most expensive, ornate leather journal you can find, wait a year, drag it out from under the whiskey-stained thesaurus, and give it to the writer again.  They won't ever know, because each and every page will be as blank as it was the day you bought it.  Seriously, people.  I tried the whole notebook by the bed schtick for years, and I recorded exactly two notes in it, which read:

"Char. A sees the thing, intro. other scene w/char B, str. exc. Plot hole & 9 days."
"Why G. not cld/not E?"

Which explains why Hemingway's cat had six toes, for all I know.  But leatherbound notebooks make pretty good coasters too, and if the glasses sweat on them, you can tell people the stains are from a solo hike through Guatemala which you took to 'reconnect to my muse.'

I don't have a Number 5.  You should probably stop at Number 1, because gift-wrapping a cat is nearly impossible and writers can spot a gift wrapped thesaurus from across a crowded room anyway.

(originally published here December 2011)

The Perfect Face for Radio



Last Saturday I was a guest on the Steve Bradshaw Radio Show. If you missed the live show, the interview (minus commercials!) is now online for your listening pleasure. Click here  and then click on the play icon by by name. My accent is sure to amuse children and calm restless emus. We talked about writing after my accordion audition went horribly wrong.

A Writer's Christmas Carols

© Vlawton | Dreamstime Stock Photos

It Came Upon a Manuscript Clear
(Sung to the tune of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
It came upon this manuscript here
Fatal problems with the pace,
Then beta readers bending near
Did make that WTH face.
This plot is contrived, they sang with glee,
the shallow protagonist weak,
Not a theme or an ending anywhere in sight,
Best click SELECT ALL, DELETE.

God Rest Ye Merry Editors
(Sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
God rest ye merry editors,
and bless thy weary eyes,
For NaNoWriMo just ended 
Now begin your painful sighs.
The flood of just-completed books 
Shall wing to you its way,
Bringing forth sparkly vampires in love,
vampires in love, and hungry zombies every day!

We Wish You Would Format Correctly
(Sung to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
Word's Smart Quotes, your editor notes, 
should never be used, any way.
But even though you turn them off,
they sneak back in to stay!
A global replace will always fail,
Oh Word, why hate me so?
I'm now going line by terrible line,
Smart Quotes, why won't you go?

We Three Writers of Fantasy Are
(Sung to the tune of We Three Kings)
We three writers of fantasy are,
Considering putting out a tip jar.
Sales are slowing, bills are growing,
Yes I think we need that tip jar!

Jingle Bells
(Sung in ragged gasps accompanied by the rending of clothing and the gnashing of teeth)
Jingle bells, bloodshed sells,
Why didn't I write Game of Thrones?
(Song only has these two verses, followed by long bout of inconsolable weeping).

Silent Night, No Email Tonight
(Sung to the tune of Silent Night)
Silent night, no email tonight,
Hope is lost, no sales in sight.
Agents are burning my manuscript whole,
Laughing and laughing at the gaping plot hole,
Why didn't I see it before, oh?
Why didn't I see it before?

Of the songs above, God Rest Ye Merry Editors was inspired by author PN Elrod, whose quips concerning editing are rapidly becoming legendary. 

And may I suggest that anyone who enjoyed my Markhat series should check out Elrod's Jack Fleming series? Great books, with a genuine film noir flair and some fine writing.

Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, Wherever You Are


Remember, every time you buy an e-book, and author gets to eat.

That's it for this week. Thanksgiving put a huge dent in my word count, but the new Markhat (The Darker Carnival) is at the one-third complete point. 

Let's stay safe out there, people!


Tula Cemetery EVP recording, October 1, 2017

 

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