This week's horoscopes are brought to you by stars 61 Cygni, Tau Ceti, and Struve 2398! On behalf of all the nearby celestial bodies, they'd like to --
Oh. Oh my. That's truly disgusting. What? With an anvil?
-- wait, I really can't say that. What have you people been doing to the stars lately, anyway?
I'd best just get on with it. So, without further ado, here are your horoscopes for the next week:
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Sure, the seat belts might not save you, but they will speed up identification of your remains.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
No one believed the tiger was real, until you proved it by sneezing.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Some days you win, some days the meat grinder just won't turn off.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Be glad you're one of the few people who can truly rock the armless sweater look.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Sadly, your doctor's calm assurances that flesh-eating bacteria infections are rare will prove overly optimistic.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
You'll hardly even miss those four ribs, except on cold days, or times when you need to bend or lean.
LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
It's not whether you win or lose, unless your opponent is a crazed serial cannibal. Then it probably matters. Too bad about your toes.
SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
It's a myth you need both ears to hold up sunglasses. But as you will learn, you do in fact need a nose.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
They say life will never burden you with more than you can bear. But they never tried to push a flaming snack truck off their torso, did they?
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade! You'll struggle to apply this axiom next Tuesday during the mishap with the gaseous cyanide.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
Hospitals make mistakes all the time, and anyway you're left with one perfectly good kidney, Mister Whiney Britches.
PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
Even autopsy techs need a good laugh at work now and then, and you'll certainly provide them with that, as soon as the ice around your torso melts away.
SPECIAL NOTE TO BENNY IN VEGAS:
Well of course they'll look in the crawlspace. Do you even have basic cable? Sheesh. I don't even know why I bother.