Seven Secrets

I knew someone was following me!  The hairs on the back of my neck kept standing up.  I saw fleeting shadows dart away from the corner of my eye.  Furtive footsteps fell faint on the forest floor.

I kept finding cast-off marshmallow bags in the strangest places.

That should have been a clue.  For who else consumes raw marshmallows, other than famed romance writer and occasional nurturer of bats Jane Lovering?

If you don't know Jane, you should.  She writes great books that also genuinely laugh-out-loud funny.  I love her wit, which is very British and always spot-on insightful.  You should check out her From Behind the Keyboard site and then swiftly and with a keen sense of determination click your way to a purchase of one of her books.  I suggest Slightly Foxed, which is printed (yay!) and therefore universally compatible with all standard-issue human visual equipment and has an infinite battery life to boot.

When Jane isn't being intentionally hilarious, she roams the net handing out Versatile Blogger awards.  Yesterday she awarded one to me, which is displayed below for your edification.

Fig. 1, the award.  

Now, by the Immutable Laws of the All-Reaching Internet, I am required to post in observance of this Award (see Fig. 1) seven things you do not know about me.  

Jane posted her Seven Things here.  You should probably click that link and read hers instead of mine, because hers are funny and mine will probably (and quite predictably) devolve into a discussion of zombies or the terrors of lawn care.   

Anyway, here goes:


1) I detest shaking hands. It's a stupid custom, and trying to determine how much pressure to apply and how long one should hold a stranger's hand are both decisions I can happily live without.  I'm so fed up with handshakes in general I've decided I'll just look puzzled at all those outstretched hands.  Or maybe fill them with random pamphlets.  Perhaps I'll just take the whole procedure to its next logical step and instigate a spirited round of crotch-sniffing.  That should soon eliminate further offers of handshakes.

2) I have all the ABBA albums.  I have them, and I sometimes listen to them.  Don't act so shocked.  You know you've got a Backstreet Boys CD hidden in a sock drawer somewhere...

3) I write my blogs wearing a Richard M Nixon mask.  Hey.  You have your  foibles, and I have mine.

4) I was bored absolutely to literal tears by this SF classic.  I'm still a bit ashamed of that, but a more impenetrable and muddled book I have never encountered (I refer to the first book in the series; I never got past that).  Read the glowing reviews concerning the book's complexity, its use of metaphor and theme, its exploration of philosophy and theology.  Then consider how all that obviously went straight over my head, because my impressions of the book ranged from 'Huh?' to 'WTF?'.  If you must think less of me, I understand.

5) I'm 47, and sometimes I still wonder where my childhood 'GI Joe' action figure is, and how he's doing.  That's probably a sign of some deep-seated neurosis.  Or the result of lingering emotional scars inflicted during my attempt to finish the book mentioned in #4.  

6) I hate mirrors.   I've never liked the things.  That's not me reflected there.  Ditto for photographs.  I don't want to see those either if I'm anywhere in them.  

7) I assign mental nicknames to people I meet because I forget their real names almost instantly upon being introduced.  Especially if I have to shake hands with them.  Especially if I have to shake hands with them in front of a mirror while being photographed.  Thus my inner landscape is populated by the likes of Bad Hair and Pig Eyes and Mister Coffee Breath.  If I become friends with someone, of course that changes, but given my warm and caring nature that seldom happens.

So, there you have it -- seven secrets revealed, and the Law of the Internet fulfilled!  

I shall wear my Versatile Blogger award with pride.