It's My Birthday and I'll Lie if I Want To

According to various faded cave paintings and weathered etchings in fragments of clay tablets, today is my birthday.

A few relatively simple calculations indicate I am older than most cabbages, but younger than many large-scale geologic features.  I am what people my age call 'middle age' and what everyone else calls 'old.'  Especially young people, with their raves and their hippity-hoppity music and their newfangled eye-pads.

But I haven't walked this sullen Earth all these years without learning a thing or two.  So gather round, chilluns, while the Old Man speaks words of wisdom...

1) Limit eye contact.  Good seldom comes of it.
2) The phrase 'this will only take a minute' is best translated as 'I'm here to steal your entire freaking day.'
3) Dogs are better people than most people.
4) Corollary to #4: If your dogs growls at someone, bite that person.  Bite them hard.  Because dogs are excellent judges of character, but you don't want your dog biting strangers, who knows what kind of weird diseases they're carrying.
5) An evil, utterly amoral lawyer is worth his or her weight in poison-coated claw hammers, as long as they are your lawyer.
6) A healthy, balanced diet will ultimately leave you just as dead as Jimmy Hoffa.  Have the cheeseburger if you want it.  Will you really miss those sixteen extra seconds hooked to a ventilator?
7) Beware overt altruism.  Also people who use the word 'beware.'  Seriously, who talks like that?
8) Don't get too worked up over politics.  Here's the truth -- both parties, all parties, their candidate, your candidate -- they're all the same.  Flip sides of the same cheesy coin.  Negative images of the same banal scene.  No one is going to turn things around.  No one is going to make any difference.  The 'elected' part of the government was neutered years ago.  Vote.  Don't vote.  It no longer matters, at least here in the US of A.  So relax and enjoy the ride as best you can.
9) Ear hair is quite fashionable, if properly groomed.
10) Wear a smile, but locate the exits.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!