Monday Horoscopes!

It's Monday again.  To help you plan your week, I have once again consulted the heavens, questioned the stars, drawn the charts and looked askance at the goats.  I called up fell spirits from realms beyond the dark.  I rolled enchanted dice with the Spectre of Death himself (I'm down another $250 bucks with him).  

All in all, next week looks like another rough one.  Find your sign below, and come face to face with your fate, if you dare...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Your attorney swears he's never handled a case of bear-trap negligence before, but is confident he can win you some sort of compensation.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Your general lack of buoyancy was never a problem -- until next Tuesday.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Most people accept their fate with quiet dignity, but then most people don't find themselves on fire in a tack factory.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Thursday, you learn too late that the Serbian phrase for 'I am a tourist' sounds almost exactly like the phrase for 'I am happy to violate policemen.'  

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Getting your head stuck in the Large Hadron Collider is not the way you planned to start off your week, is it?

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
A cross-country road trip is exactly what you need, although being bound and thrown in the trunk does limit your view of America's scenic byroads. 

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
You will scrub and scrub, but getting all the bat guano out of your hair is going to take forever.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
Just as the CDC encloses your house in quarantine plastic, you will be forced to admit the neighbors were right about the smell all along.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Lucky for you, artificial noses are easily obtainable and quite affordable.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Your hope that the Mafia maintains a sense of humor will be dashed Friday with a visit by Ernie 'The Fingers'  Vintagliano.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
"Look what the cat dragged in" will take on a horrible new meaning around midnight next Wednesday.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
The laws of physics always favor fast-moving boulders over your need to avoid costly emergency surgery.

Storing old dynamite in the pinata was just begging for trouble, doofus.