Frank’s Sporadic Blog, With Fries

Somewhere out there, a carnival is missing its chimpanzees.

Where have these chimpanzees gone, you ask? Have they escaped? Have they been kidnapped? Were they hired by British Petroleum to head their crack team of undersea leak-stoppers?

Nope. But don’t worry, the chimps are safe. They’ve even got jobs, which not everyone can claim these days.

They’re working for Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi. In the billing department, or as they call it, “oo-oo-ah-oo-kee.”

Seriously. That’s the only explanation for what my parents are going through at the moment. Because only a mob of berry-chewing chimps could make the kind of needless, incompetent mess the fine primates at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi, phone number 662-232-8100, have made.

My mother is ill. Seriously ill. The last thing my folks need right now is some ridiculous financial mess brought about because the chimpanzees at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi, are far too incompetent to file their own bloody paperwork. But that’s what they’ve done, presumably because in the midst of filing they spied a banana and off they went, knuckles and knees, to procure this tasty prize.

I can only imagine the kind of chaos that must fill the Billing Department at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi. I’m sure there are tire swings hanging from the ceiling. Hay all over the floor. Well-chewed bits of copiers and fax machines all over the place. And the smell – oh, the smell. Especially in the summer.

The source of my ire? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a rundown of the major events. Note how the whole mess should never have happened, and how it should have been stopped at numerous points along the way, if only someone with an IQ above that of a freshly-clubbed blowfish had intervened.

Back in 2008, my folks were presented with a bill from Baptist Memorial Hospital (employer of various primates and a few bright mollusks) for the staggering sum of $69.07. They paid this, promptly and without complaint.

But as I mentioned, there was a banana, and after a chorus of squeals and scuffles the staff in Billing forgot to mark this as paid.

A few months later, my folks are contacted by a collection agency, which claimed the bill was never paid, yada yada, we demand payment now, ruff ruff bark bark. My Dad presented the simpering, drooling morons at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi, phone number 662-232-8100, email address info.northmiss@bmhcc.org, with the canceled check.

Now, even the chimpanzees at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi, phone number 662-232-8100, have some vague idea that a canceled check means the bill was in fact paid. Maybe they picked that up at the carnival between high-wire acts. Hey, most circus chimps can not only smoke but light their own, so who knows what else they’re capable of. Not running an accounts receivable office, certainly, but I’m not ruling out clipping their own toenails or eventually mastering the Wii.

The canceled check, my father was assured back in 2008, ended the matter.

Until yesterday, when another collection agency called and upset my mom and my dad demanding payment for, you guessed it, that same paid bill from 2008.

This isn’t hearsay. I’ve seen the canceled check. So have the lackwits at Billing. Of course I guess one check probably looks like all the others if your main concern is figuring out how to stack boxes to reach that ripe bunch near the ceiling.

So for two freaking years everything was fine, but then suddenly, it’s not?

Just how stupid are these people? Honestly? I compared them to chimps, but now I’m beginning to feel that was an unfair comparison, because chimps have opposable thumbs and have been observed using simple tools and in all the recorded history of the entire universe even the most fundamentally dim-witted chimpanzee has never ONCE sicced a collection agency on a pair of nice older people who proved years ago they DON’T OWE ANYONE THE #$%@%$ MONEY.

I have to wonder what the qualifications are for getting a job at the Billing Department at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi. Did the position posting look like this?

POSTION OPENING, BILLING. Applicant must be bipedal. Sort of. We’re flexible on that. Opposable thumbs a plus. Applicant must be able to reconcile accounts receivable ledgers and software. Did we say ‘must?’ That was harsh of us. What we meant was, applicant should probably pretend to do all that boring office stuff while maintaining poorly-spelled Facebook chats. You don’t even have to use letters. Just peck at the keys, that’s good. Applicant must have associate’s degree at minimum, or equivalent vocal volume when screeching incoherently at acquaintances in the parking lot. Previous experience of 2 years required. Oh heck, we didn’t mean that. You’ve got the job.

Yeah. I think that’s about right.

Am I pissed?

You bet I am.

It’s bad enough that Mom is sick. No way should my parents, who never let a bill go unpaid in either of their freakin’ lives, be harassed now by a gaggle of unwashed lesser apes and the rude thugs they’ve hired to do their dirty work.

I blame Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi. They not only hire idiots but they allow them to run roughshod over former patients who have done them no wrong. Not that I’m terribly surprised – you’ve heard of those hospitals that remove the wrong leg, by mistake?

Here at Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi, phone number 662-232-8100, where the motto is “Can I haz jobz?” they might have trouble identifying which limb was indeed the ‘leg.’

Unless of course there was a banana tattoo involved. That they’d find.

I’m going to talk to some lawyer friends tomorrow. I think even chimpanzees are bright enough to realize that lawyers mean trouble. And if this particular bunch doesn’t, well, maybe it’s time they learned something new. Harassment via negligence sounds pretty good to me.

This whole wretched mess is doubtlessly far from over. Because no matter how earnestly the mouth-breathers claim they fixed their mistake, I suspect in a few years they will decide to send the matter out to collections again, because hey, they do seem to be able to type that particular sequence of keystrokes. I have to wonder – when they correctly type those characters, does a little bell ring, and does a little door pop open and dispense treats?

I hope not.

And if anyone out there knows of any circus chimps or other roughly humanoid creatures out there looking for a job, send them toward Baptist Memorial Hospital in Oxford, Mississippi.

They probably have a bright future in billing there.